Monday, June 11, 2012

Do You Wanna Know a Secret?

There's a difference between movies that are bad and movies that are entertainingly bad. Make no mistakes about it, “Do You Wanna Know a Secret?” is just plain bad.

The movie starts out with a college boy, running around trying to find his girlfriend. Think of it like the opening of a “Scream” movie but without any famous faces. Then we get to meet Hank and Beth, two college sweethearts. Beth is a kind of hot blond, but she has absolutely no self-esteem. At one point, she asks Hank if he's dating anyone else. When he denies it, she threatens to cut off his penis, but of course that's just pillow talk.

They head off for spring break where they rented a huge house with a group of friends. Of course, no college kids in the world could afford a beach house with a private beach and enough bedrooms and bathrooms for each person so you should disregard that. Every person in this movie is a stereotype, so you have the feisty Latino best friend, the African American jock, and the slutty blond who constantly walks around in a bikini.

Beth runs into some random guy (I didn't even bother to learn his name) who obviously has a crush on her. Don't worry about him though because he's just a red herring. He turns up every time something happens, just to make you think he's the killer.

Oh, did I forget to mention that people start dying? Yeah, nothing interesting there either. It's the basic, run of the mill stabbings and slashings. Plus, you have Chad Allen playing a jock with a video camera. Chad Allen mainly hits on all the girls and makes comments about Beth's boyfriend dying. I guess he was the guy in the beginning and the police found him dead in her dorm room. Chad Allen (yes, I'm only referring to him in that way) disappears for a good chunk of the movie.

That might seem suspicious, but it won't be when you learn that he's the killer. Yeah, I don't know either. I guess he always loved Beth and couldn't stand to see her with anyone else. Instead of just asking her on a date, he smacks her over the head, kidnaps her, puts her in a wedding dress, and seems shocked when she doesn't want to date him.

Don't I Know You From Somewhere?

If seeing Joey (I'm not calling you Joseph) Lawrence and Chad Allen in a horror movie brings back nostalgic memories, you aren't the only one. Unfortunately, those two aren't a good enough reason to see this movie. The actress playing Beth looks vaguely familiar, but a quick glance at her IMDB page reveals nothing of interest. The slutty chick in the bikini though, she's totally the cheerleader from “Scream,” the one who thinks Sydney is the killer. BTW, I always thought that would make a better end to the franchise.

Best Death?

Like I said, nothing new here. Seeing the Latina chick dancing around, trying to get the slut's attention though is great, especially when she doesn't see the bright red neck wounds or her glassy eyes.

I'm going with Joey on this one. When Beth claims that he's going to kick Chad Allen's ass, Chad Allen casually lifts his hand and shows her Joey's head.

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