The Pack Movie Review – Wild Dogs are Bad

Runtime: 90 minutes

Release Date: February 5, 2016

Rating: NR

Director: Nick Robertson

The Pack opens up with a scene of a man in the rural outback checking out noises in his barn. When his wife finds that he left a cigarette behind before disappearing, she goes to check on him. A wild dog jumps out of the barn and attacks her.

We then meet the Wilson family. Adam is a farmer in the outback while his wife, Carla, works as a veterinarian. They also have a young son named Henry and a teenage daughter named Sophie. Sophie hates living in the middle of nowhere, especially since her parents will no longer let her make expensive long distance calls to her friends. Adam discovers that something killed several sheep the night before.

This is important because the family has some serious money problems. A manager from the bank comes by to tell them that there are once again behind on their payments and that the bank plans to foreclose. Though Carla swears that they will soon have more money coming in, he just laughs and points out that it won't be enough to save them. On the way back to town, he stops long enough to pee and gets attacked by a wild dog.

When the power goes out that night, Adam heads outside to start the generator. He sees a wild dog in the woods and runs back to the house, but the dogs throws itself repeatedly at the door in an attempt to break it down. Carla rushes in and manages to call the police, though she can't get out much before she accidentally rips the phone cord out of the wall. When the police arrive and also get attacked by the dogs, they realize that they either need to find a way to escape or find a way to survive the night before more help can come.

The Pack is one of those films that you come across and assume will be terrible but then it surprises you. I thought it would play like that terrible USA film they always played in the 90s about killer dogs, but it was actually pretty damn good. Sophie is the only unlikable character, but that's only because she plays a realistic teenager. She hates living in the middle of nowhere, misses her friends, and willingly wishes that the bank would foreclose so they can move.

Adam is something of a superman. Not only does he manage to get outside and get to his truck to help his family escape, but he manages to survive despite being bit and attacked multiple times by dogs. The character of Carla is pretty realistic too because she puts the well being of her kids above all else and is willing to do anything to protect them.

Reading the synopsis on Netflix might make you think that The Pack is just a glorified television film, but it's far better than that. The Pack is a tight little thriller about one family's survival that might make you think twice the next time you hear something outside...

The Sand Movie Review – This Sand is Deadly!

Runtime: 84 minutes

Release Date: October 13, 2015

Rating: ?

Director: Isaac Gabaeff

Take all of your favorite or not so favorite horror movie stereotypes, throw them into a massive beach party, and watch what happens when the sand turns deadly the next morning. That pretty much sums up The Sand.

Kaylee and her boyfriend Vance go to some random beach, have way too much to drink, and wake up with new partners the next day. She finds herself with the slightly dorky Mitch in the lifeguard shack, and Vance wakes up with his hookup in the front seat of his car. Everyone else slowly wakes up but realizes nothing is different except that their friend Gilbert is stuck inside a trash can further down the beach.

Things change when one of the gang decides to wander off down the beach and gets stuck in the sand. And by stuck in the sand, I mean that his hand gets stuck, he falls down, and the sand proceeds to start literally eating his face off. That leaves two people stuck in the lifeguard shack, three people stuck in the car, and one person in a trash can with something killer living in the sand all around them.

Here's the thing about The Sand. It's the type of movie that you see the cover for, roll your eyes, and wonder who the hell would actually rent it or watch it. Then you actually watch it and discover that it's actually a pretty damn good film. It had a great combination of horror elements that turn your stomach and funny moments that make you laugh your ass off.

When you look at the cover, you might see the name Jamie Kennedy on it, but don't hold your breath waiting for him to appear. He turns up maybe 30 minutes from the very end as an officer on beach patrol. He's only there to warn them about the beach being closed, make some jokes like, “why is Fat Albert in the trash?,” scoff at them for their claims about the sand, give them a possible out, and then fall victim to the sand. While he's not in the movie for very long, he easily had some of the best lines in the movie.

The body count isn't very high, but there are some great moments. There's a scene where a guy falls face first in the sand. When he starts to come up, he has tiny little white slug-like creatures hanging from his face. We then see his face literally begin melting off. His eyeball even drops from his face to the sand, which makes me wish I hadn't started reading The Hot Zone earlier that day.

We also get a scene of a guy using two surfboards in the hopes of getting to someplace safe. I actually winced a little when the surfboards started slowly moving away from him, leaving a very sensitive part of the male anatomy almost exposed to the sand. And don't even get me started on the character who gets her fingers caught in the trunk.

On the downside, The Sand started losing steam towards the very end. The special effects dropped off a little, making it seem like the producers didn't budget well enough. The ending itself was a little bit of a cop out too. It didn't have nearly as much power as the early parts of the movie did. Despite that, I have to say that I really enjoyed it. The Sand was comedy and horror gold.

Killer Mermaid AKA Nymph

Runtime: 94 minutes

Release Date: August 24, 2014

Rating: R

Director: Milan Todorovic

Kelly is a journalist who is so busy that she never takes time for herself until her best friend and former college roommate Lucy convinces her to take a vacation. They had to a tiny Mediterranean island to meet Niko, who was Lucy's big love in college and Kelly's best friend. Not long after arriving, they find that Niko now has a girlfriend. After an awkward night of them all dancing together, Niko gets Lucy alone and has sex with her before basically pretending that it never happened.

That same day, they decide to take a boat trip together and get a little too close to an island that no one really talks about. They also meet one of Niko's friends, who clearly has the hots for Kelly but may want Lucy too. Frankly, the backstory isn't that interesting once you get past Lucy and Niko. Let's just say that a killer mermaid starts attacking and killing people. Except that I can't really say that because she's not a killer mermaid.

See, the killer mermaid in this story is actually a siren. She lures men, and sometimes women, in with the sound of her beautiful singing. It's not until they get up close to her that they realize she's actually some ugly monster that kind of looks like seal or maybe a walrus. We keep hearing over and over again that she's a mermaid when she's not a mermaid. It makes sense that other countries called this Nymph, but whoever decided to name it Killer Mermaid here just wanted to lure people in with the title. It bothered me, but man, did it ever bother my roommate. If you bring up this movie or he even sees it, he'll instantly tell you that she wasn't a mermaid.

With a name like Killer Mermaid, you might expect this to be one long movie filled with scenes of a mermaid swimming through the water and attacking people. You would be wrong. There are a few death scenes, but a lot of the action takes place off screen. We might get to a good point, only to have the movie jump back to one of the other characters hearing someone scream.

The best part about the movie was actually the two lead actresses. The woman playing Lucy did a good job with her limited role. She was basically there to be Kelly's best friend and mope over Niko, but she did much better than you might expect. I also liked the actress playing Kelly and the actor playing Niko. He came across as the perfect slimeball who had no problem cheating on his finance with another woman and then acting like he did nothing wrong.

While the acting was pretty much on point, Killer Mermaid didn't have a whole lot else going for it.

Love in the Time of Monsters – 97 Minutes of Pure Entertainment

Runtime: 97 minutes

Release Date: March 8, 2014

Rating: NR

Director: Matt Jackson

Love in the Time of Monsters opens with two young girls at a tourist spot with their dad. When he dies an accidental death that was partially their fault, we jump to the present day. Carla and Marla are the two sisters from the very beginning. Marla is the angsty, likes to drink, slightly slutty sister, while Carla is the good girl. You can tell which one is which because the bad girl has dark hair and the blond girl is the good girl.

Carla dragged her sister to some crappy tourist trap where her boyfriend works to make some extra money. Since he's gone all the time, she wanted to surprise him. She lures her sister there with the promise of seeing their equally slutty and likes to drink friend. Turns out that their friend is now a by the books employee of Slavko who doesn't have time to deal with all their crap. Carla heads off to find her guy, leaving Marla to seek comfort in the arms of the bartender, the only relatively hot and non-gay guy in the hotel.

Kane Hodder, frankly I refused to learn his name, is part of a team of guys who dress up like Bigfoot and head into the woods. Tourists pay money to get a tour of the property and possibly run into one of these creatures. When one of the men wanders across a pool of what looks like toxic ooze, he gets infected and in turn infects all the other guys. When the Bigfoot dressed crew begin attacking, Carla, Marla, and the rest need to find a way to survive until help can arrive.

When we popped this movie in, my friends rolled their eyes and groaned. I picked it out without knowing a single thing about it and actually thought it was pretty funny from the very beginning. The others kept rolling their eyes and complaining for the first 20 minutes before they finally started laughing. It's the kind of movie that makes it very clear that the director and screenwriter have a deep love for horror movies and aren't afraid to poke fun at those films.

Even though it has a fairly mediocre rating online, Love in the Time of Monsters was one of the best horror films I've seen in months and one of the best horror comedies I've ever seen. Where else will you see Kane Hodder wandering around in a Bigfoot costume with a dazed look on his face as he randomly attacks people? It's also the type of movie where a moose will come out of nowhere and you will laugh but then realize that it's something you probably should have expected.

And let's not forget the random guy who lives in a cabin in the woods and manages to save one of our lead girls only to later reveal that he's secretly in love with the wife of the owner of the tourist trap. Or the fact that there's a guy called Dr. Lincoln who wears a Lincoln costume throughout the whole movie and is pretty much the only person who can save the day. While it didn't have a ton of jump scenes or scary moments, Love in the Time of Monsters is my favorite movie so far of the month!

Into the Grizzly Maze – James Marsden and Tom Jane vs. Bears

Runtime: 94 minutes

Release Date: August 13, 2015

Rating: R

Director: David Hackl

Rowan returns to his home town after a stint in jail. He's the black sheep of the family, see? After meeting a girl at the bar and taking her back to his hotel room, she reveals she's a stripper and demands payment. Like any woman would turn down James Marsden! Her pimp later shows up and starts beating her up in the parking lot, so he runs down to save her. The cops show up, and one of the cops, Beckett (Thomas Jane), takes him to the side. It turns out that they're brothers, but Beckett is the good son.

Into the Grizzly Maze throws a bunch of characters at us all at once. Douglass (Billy Bob Thornton) is an unscrupulous grizzly hunter who often breaks the law when hunting. Kaley is Rowan's ex-girlfriend and a cop on the local force. Johnny Cadillac, and yes that is seriously his name, is a former friend of Rowan's who now hunts grizzlies. There's also Scott Glenn as the head of the police force and Piper Perabo as Michelle, Beckett's wife.

After hearing some reports of wild bears spotted in the area, the police force mans up. Unfortunately, Michelle went into the woods to take some pictures on the same day. I say unfortunately because she's deaf and apparently uses the ground movements to tell if there is a bear in the area. That doesn't work out too well for her as she gets trapped by a grizzly. Rowan just so happens to be in the area, saves her, and they run off together. Beckett and Kaley head off into the woods to find Michelle, while Scott Glenn sticks around to mobilize the troops and potentially let Billy Bob loose.

I rented Into the Grizzly Maze on the assumption that it would play like an Asylum movie, and I ended up being pleasantly surprised. While it does play like an Asylum movie you might come across in the middle of the night on Sy-Fy, it's actually like a better version of one of those movies. Even though everyone in the movie took themselves so seriously, I lost count of how many times the BF and I ended up laughing while watching it.

Rowan is the black sheep of the family, and I can say that because they mention it once every 10 minutes or so. They bring it up when he comes back, when he goes to his father's old house, when his brother learns he's with his wife, when he finds the wife, when they all catch up together. We get the point, James Marsden is the bad guy!

Adam Beach also turns up for a short period of time as Johnny Cadillac. I think he's a great actor, so I have no idea why he ended up in what was basically a cameo. Actually, I'm not sure how anyone other than Jane and maybe Perabo ended up in this movie. It seems like there was a chance it might get a theatrical run, but come on! Who thought a movie like this would play in theaters anymore? Even sadder is that it took over three years between the movie was announced and when it finally came out.

Based on my review, some might think I hated the movie, but I actually kind of dug it. It's like someone came up for an idea for an Asylum movie, got a little extra funding, and grabbed some big name stars without changing the budget or script. Who wouldn't like that?

Zombeavers Movie Review - We cannot turn against each other right now. That's exactly what the beavers would want.

Runtime: 85 minutes
Release Date: March 20 2015
Rating: R
Director: Jordan Rubin


Two truck drivers (including one played by John Mayer who I did not recognize until the very end) are driving down the road and not paying attention, which causes them to hit a deer and drop a barrel of toxic waste into the local water supply where beavers live.


Cut to Mary, Zoe, and Jenn arriving at a cabin owned by Mary's cousin for a girls' weekend getaway. Zoey is the stereotypical slut who freaks out because she can't use her phone and takes off her top within 10 minutes. Mary is the "smart" girl, and you know she's smart because she wears glasses and talks about school. Jenn is just upset because her boyfriend Sam was tagged on Facebook getting down with another girl.


While hanging out by the lake, they see a bear, but luckily, a random hunter named Smyth pops up and fires his gun to scare it away. He then warns them about dressing like whores before wandering off. Later that night, the guys show up. Tommy is Mary's boyfriend, Buck is with Zoey, and Sam came to talk to Jenn. After kissing him and kneeing him in the balls, Jenn settles down a bit. Jenn goes crazy after finding a crazy beaver in the bathroom. They attack and kill the beaver before leaving it outside, but when they go to the water the next day, the beaver is gone. Once crazy zombeavers attack Buck in the water, our group kind of/sort of figures out what's going on.


Can I just say that I now have a new favorite guilty pleasure movie? Zombeavers was so insane and over the top that you can't help but like it. It made me feel the way other people did the first time they saw Sharknado. I didn't get it when I saw that movie, but I get it now. It was clearly done by someone who loved bad and cheesy horror movies because everything about Zombeavers seems like something I've seen in a bad 80s horror flick.


Not only do we get the classic stereotypical characters, but we get that moment where the main character suddenly becomes a human-beaver-zombie hybrid and allows a second character to take the lead. We even have that plot "twist" that anyone can see coming. Hint: it turns out that the girl Sam had the fling with isn't a random stranger.


And oh my god, the beavers! They were so fucked up and crazy looking that I want like six of them for Halloween to hang out in my front yard with a few zombie flamingos and one I can leave sitting in my living room year round. My only one minor complaint is how often the characters mention that they're in Indiana given that the background looks absolutely nothing like Indiana. I loved Zombeavers so much that I think I might go watch it again, right now.


Oh, and if you're a fan of The Office or a Parks and Recreation fan like me (save for the last season), keep your eyes peeled. The actors who played JJ on Parks and Recreation and Bill Vance from The Office are both in very minor/almost cameo roles.

From the Dark Movie Review – Two People, One Monster

Runtime: 90 minutes
Release Date: April 14, 2015
Rating: NR
Director: Conor McMahon


Sarah and Mark are a couple heading off on vacation together in the country. Though they followed the directions perfectly, they make a few wrong turns and wind up lost in the countryside. Though Sarah wants to call her father for help, Mark makes her put down the phone and volunteers to go for help himself, claiming there must be a home nearby.


After following the road, Mark finds a home in the middle of nowhere. As no one answers the door, he lets himself in and shouts for help. Instead of finding help, he's tasked with providing help after the owner of the home stumbles in bleeding profusely from his neck. Waiting back at the car, Sarah begins wondering if she made the right decision believing in her boyfriend until Mark pops back up and demands that she come back to the house with him to help its owner. They get there just in time to find that the man transformed into a monster and that he's looking for his next victim.


I cannot believe that more people aren't talking about this film and that it didn't get better reviews. It was one of those movies I watched with no expectations and ended up liking it so much that I keep recommending it to others.


The director does a good job of setting up the tension between the two very early on. Sarah continually makes fun of his new hair cut, which seems to irritate him, and he confesses to her on the car ride that he will probably never get married. By the time they separate and he goes for help, it's easy to understand why she would rather call someone for help than trust him to actually find help.


Conor MacMahon, the director, also added some intense atmosphere to the scenes where Sarah is on her own. There is a moment where she's leaning on the car and smoking a cigarette. The background gets a little fuzzy, which makes it hard to see what's happening behind her, until you realize that there is someone standing in the woods and watching her. Another intense scene occurs when she bends over to do something and a hand comes out of nowhere and moves right past her face.


The first half of the movie is really good, but the second half drops off a bit. The two attempt to escape through the woods and wind up running back to the house, which lets the monster stalk them and leads to them hiding in a bathroom with the door locked. Once Sarah finally goes off on a search for help by herself, it really gets going again.


Despite some ups and downs, I would probably rank From the Dark one of the best horror flicks I've seen this year. It has some great acting, a few intense moments, and just enough tension to leave you on edge.

Animal Movie Review – Seriously, Never Ever Go Into the Woods

Runtime: 86 minutes
Release Date: February 17, 2015
Rating: NR
Director: Brett Simmons


Alissa, her stepbrother, their significant others, and their mutual friend drive to the middle of nowhere for a daytime hike. Jeff, the stepbrother, is something of a man's man. Not only does he come fully prepared, but he keeps pushing them to go a little further. He and Alissa once took the same trail often with his father when they were younger.


Jeff's girlfriend Mandy wants to turn around and go back, and Alissa agrees. Though she rightly points out that it's getting dark and that they don't want to be out in the middle of nowhere at night, he keeps arguing, which leads to the two fighting. Alissa then accidentally stumbles upon what's left of a dead body.


As a large monster/animal hybrid jumps out of the woods, everyone runs for cover. They eventually find themselves running into an isolated cabin in the woods. A random man uncovers the door, lets them inside, and barricades the door behind them. The man, Carl, and his wife Vicky were on a business trip when their car broke down. After wandering through the woods, they found their way to the house. Upstairs, is a man named Douglas who briefly popped up at the beginning of the film after his own run in with the same animal.


The ragtag group of survivors lock themselves inside the old house in the hopes of making it through the night. One manages to get cell phone service long enough to call for help. Rangers promise to track their cell to the nearest tower and send help, and both Alissa and Jeff's parents promise to send their own friends in the area out to look for them. As the night grows on and the animal gets closer, it becomes clear that they might not make it until the morning.


Animal is another movie I randomly stumbled across on Netflix and one that I watched without expecting much. It starts out as one of those classic horror flicks with all the typical stereotypes. There is naturally a girl who has to stop and put on her makeup before going into the woods, the gay friend who is so effeminate that it made my gay friend keep cringing and bringing it up, and the guy is so butch and masculine that he makes everyone else look bad. As the movie unfolds though, we find out there is more to the eye. The girl with all the makeup is just worried about losing her boyfriend, and Mr. Butchy McButch might not be as butch as he looks.


You also have to love any movie that features Joey Lauren Adams. Here, she plays Vicky and does an adequate job, but her role is a little one dimensional. She pretty much just serves as the wife of a guy tasked with leading a group of survivors. While she does eventually get her own story line, the movie is almost over by that point.


The director did do a pretty damn good job of showing the animal, and I want to give it up for the special effects team. With its gruesome teeth, the saliva dripping off its fangs, and the way it just shot out of the woods when I least expected it, I couldn't wait to see a little more. Animal is currently on Netflix, if you want to give it a go.

Willow Creek – Jim, are you fucking kidding me?

Runtime: 77 minutes
Release Date: May 2014
Rating: NR
Director: Bobcat Goldthwait


Jim is obsessed with Bigfoot, so much so that he convinces his girlfriend Kelly to take a trip to the site of the infamous Bigfoot video captured in the 1970s. Kelley seems more comfortable shopping or at least in a hotel or spa, but Jim is completely in his element. The two travel to the town associated with the original Bigfoot sighting to film a video that Jim can hopefully use to prove that the creature exists.


The early part of the trip goes off without a hitch. They check out the local statues and museum devoted to the creature, and they even dine on a Bigfoot burger. They also meet some locals who don't really believe in Bigfoot, but even that doesn't deter Jim. Things do get a little serious when Kelly points out that she really needs to move to Los Angeles to get more acting jobs and Jim points out that he'll never live in the city.


After documenting the area, they decide to head to the woods and the actual scene of the original footage. They come across a local who makes it clear that he wants them out. The man snaps at them and eventually yells at them until Kelly convinces him to turn the car around and leave. This leads to them taking a back route and finding their way to the original site. When they find that things really do go bump in the night, they might not make it out alive.


I was so excited to see Willow Creek that I went right to the local video store and grabbed a copy on the day it came out. Now that I've seen it, I'm not sure why I wanted to see it so bad. An online review called this the best Bigfoot movie ever made, and after watching it I had to laugh. There is nothing, absolutely nothing about the actual creature in this movie except for the background and the premise.


Reading the synopsis, you might expect something completely different. I read that it was about a couple in the woods trying to find Bigfoot, and I assumed it was The Blair Witch Project mixed with a Bigfoot story. Instead, I got a movie about a couple on a weekend trip together. Seriously, go back and read the first few paragraphs I gave as a plot description. Would you believe that this is almost the first hour of the film?


I know that directors want to set up a story, but Bobcat took things a little too far with this one. We see Jim and Kelly driving around, talking with locals, eating doing their research, and doing other crap. By the time they actually get to the woods, over half the film is gone. Then we get a few scenes of the two making out in the tent and hearing noises in the woods. I will admit that when something starts attacking the tent and the noises start, the movie gets a little unsettling. Unfortunately, that doesn't last long.


After maybe 5 to 10 minutes of that, it's morning. They then go in the woods and try to find their way back to their car, get lost, and end up back in the exact same spot. We then get another few scary minutes, and boom, the movie's over. It was incredibly disappointing and not at all what I expected. I hope someone takes this same idea and does something better than Willow Creek.

The Millennium Bug – Oh no, it's a giant bug!

Runtime: 88 minutes
Release Date: June 3, 2011
Rating: NR
Director: Kenneth Cran


Recently married Byron Haskin makes the mistake of taking his teenage daughter Clarissa with him on his honeymoon with his new wife Joany. Byron talks about the millennium and how he's so glad that his family can escape all those troubles. He also lets us know that he's taking them to an abandoned town where no one has lived for years.


Just in case we wondered if the town really is empty, we get a scene involving a ground of inbred hicks living not too far away. After a blond woman gives birth, the papa of the clan realizes that the baby is another mutant and orders his son/nephew/cousin/brother to take it outside and kill it. As we hear a shotgun, the mama of the clan points out that they need some fresh blood if they want to stop having mutant babies.


Cue the Haskin family arriving and setting up camp for the night. The mutants kidnap Clarissa and Joany and take them back to their cabin in the woods. At the same time, a crazy looking guy appears and starts rambling about a giant millennium bug living in the woods. It turns out that it's a random bug that only appears once every millennium. Just as the rednecks start taking control over their new women, the bug decides to finally make its appearance.


The Millennium Bug is an awesomely bad movie. It's the kind of movie that you watch with your friends and have a good time just laughing at all the characters and people. The "inbred rednecks" are pretty much just normal looking people in dirty clothes. If the movie didn't make a point of constantly pointing out that they were hicks or inbred, I probably would think they were just a family living in the woods.


When we first started watching it, we were wondering what was up with the plotline. Despite coming out in 2011, the movie is set in 1999/2000, and it almost seems like the screenwriters and director decided to just sit on the script for awhile. That actually makes sense because we're far enough away now that we can laugh about how scared everyone was at the time. You can't help but laugh when the characters mention things like the computers all going haywire and people rioting in the streets.


The movie made a splash because it uses real and practical effects in lieu of CGI and computer effects. A lot of people apparently hated that, but I have to be honest, I didn't even notice when I was watching it. There is so much bad CGI out there that I just assumed this was another one.


The Millennium Bug is far from everyone's cup of tea, but I found it pretty funny and entertaining. Not funny and entertaining enough to make me sit down and watch it again, but good enough that I didn't mind wasting a few hours on a winter night.

"Mama" Movie Review – Extraordinary Claims Require Extraordinary Proof

Runtime: 100 minutes

Release Date: January 18, 2013

Rating: PG-13

Director: Andres Muschietti

"Mama" opens with a man driving home erratically, grabbing his kids, and taking off again as a report on the radio reveals that he murdered his business partners and wife. After dragging his kids out into the woods, his daughter breaks her glasses and can only see fuzzy shapes. Just as he goes to kill his kids, a dark shadow comes out of nowhere and kills him.

Annabel is a rocker more concerned with her band and music than anything else in her life, but she's forced to make some changes when her boyfriend (husband?) Lucas becomes a sudden father. Two men find the girls living in the woods in the same abandoned cabin where their father took them, and Lucas gains temporary custody. The doctor agrees to let them move into a new house for free as long as they can monitor the girls at all times.

As Annabel is nowhere near ready to be a mother, she thinks it sounds like a good idea, but she isn't quite ready to leave her old life behind. The two girls keep talking about Mama, a figure that only they can see. The doctor reassures them that the girls simply created a fake protector to keep themselves alive in the woods, but as the story unfolds, it becomes clear that Mama might be more than just a figment of their imagination.

Let's get this out of the way right now: I didn't like "Mama" at all. Annabel is an extremely irritating character because she's written as a stereotype. She's a musician, so she naturally must have black hair, tattoos, and a surly attitude. Even though she thinks she might be pregnant at the beginning, she clearly has no interest in raising children or taking care of the two girls. She is so unsympathetic that at times I even found myself wondering why Lucas stayed with her.

It also felt like the film used most of the top scenes in the trailers. The trailers showed so many creepy and dark scenes that I expected more from the movie, but it completely failed to deliver. I actually wound up feeling bad for the two little girls in the film because they get stuck with the worst caretakers ever. It actually seems like they would do better left in the woods with some dark presence.

And, don't get me started on the end of the movie! For 90 minutes, we sit there and watch Annabel say she doesn't want kids and spends little time bonding with the girls. She finally has one moment with one of the two, but she goes right back to acting like a bitch. That completely changes at the end when she realizes that she does want kids. It just left me scratching my head and wondering where it all came from.

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter Movie Review – And Britney Needs Her Head

Length: 86 minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: September 29, 2012

Director: Don Michael Paul

The residents of Lake Placid now know that giant crocodiles live in their city, but they built a giant fence to enclose the lake. They still have a few places where they can swim and have fun, but they try to avoid anything behind the lake. Sheriff Giove (Elizabeth Rohm, "Angel") is the single mother of a teenage daughter, but she has to jump into action when her daughter winds up behind the fence.

The girl and her friends are trapped there when the bus driver accidentally drives through an open gate and takes them to the forbidden lake. While trying to escape, they run into Jim Bickerman (Robert Englund, "Nightmare on Elm Street"), a poacher who agrees to help them get out. Meanwhile, Reba (Yancy Butler, "Witchblade") makes a return appearance, hoping to kill off the crocs once and for all.

Is it bad that I hope this isn't the last film in the franchise? I still remember seeing the original "Lake Placid" in theaters, and I remember watching the second one with friends based on a recommendation from my father. The last film in the series was tolerable, but this one is actually pretty entertaining. It doesn't take itself too seriously, and it seems to know that people will laugh with it, so it amps up the camp factor.

Englund chews the scenery like a pro, and you can practically see him giving fans a wink and a nod from the screen. It was also nice to see Butler hamming it up, especially since she's been painful to watch in her last few movies. Rohm was also a nice touch. Though I wasn't a fan of hers on "Angel," she's a talented actress. It's sad that she sometimes tries to take things a little too seriously, but she doesn't do too bad.

"Lake Placid: The Final Chapter" has its funny moments. The quote in the title of my review comes from a scene after the kids discover the dead body of a friend hanging upside down in a trap. When someone mentions that they need to get out, another snaps back, "and Britney needs her head." Those campy and funny scenes made me wish that there were more of those moments in the last one. And yes, the crocodiles are CGI and look ridiculous, but the movie was still a lot of fun.

Spiders Movie Review – Beware of Big Bugs

Length: 89 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: February 8, 2013

Director: Tibor Takacs

What can you say about a film that deals with giant spiders attacking New York City? On paper, "Spiders" sounds like the type of movie that I would love, but in reality, it misses the mark.

Patrick Muldoon ("Starship Troopers") stars as Jason, a man with a few issues. While commuting home to work one day, the subway starts shaking as a space station falls from the sky. Spiders begin attacking the city, leading to people fleeing for their lives. Jason, unfortunately, can't do the same thing. He discovers that his daughter is lost in the city, and he and his wife decide to do whatever it takes to bring her home safely.

Ugh. That's probably the word that best describes "Spiders." As a fan of SyFy films and straight to DVD releases, this one just made me cringe from the opening scenes to the end credits. We're somehow supposed to believe that a girl, who can clearly find her way around the city, doesn't have the common sense to get the hell out of town when giant spiders attack.

At the same time, we get multiple shots of military tanks and soldiers bringing down the spiders, people leaving, and announcements that everyone must evacuate the town. We even see the soldiers yelling at people to get the hell out. Yet, Jason and his wife just casually stroll around town, sometimes jumping behind dumpsters when they see people approaching. I just kept watching the clock, hoping it would end soon.

Movie Review: “Mothman”

Runtime: 91 minutes

Rating: TV-14

Release Date: October 25, 2011

Director: Sheldon Wilson

Seven friends harbor a dark secret: while in high school, they pulled a prank on a mutual friend that ended in his death. Katharine (Jewel Straite, “Firefly”) is a reporter from Washington who managed to put that night behind her. Katharine and her friends conveniently lived in the town of Point Pleasant where the Mothman once struck.

Her editor decides to do a major story on the annual Mothman festival, and since Katharine knows the area, her editor sends her to do the job. After meeting up with her old friends, the Mothman decides to come back for them. Though Katharine was the only one who left Point Pleasant, she is the only one who starts having visions of what the Mothman does. She and her old boyfriend have to team up with Frank Waverly, a blind man who wants to trick the Mothman into showing himself.

Oh. My. God. How the hell did I ever manage to sit through this one? Halfway through watching it, I suddenly realized that I saw this movie before, and I believe that I actually saw it when it originally aired on Syfy. Even then, I thought it was a steaming pile of crap. My father actually grew up not far from where the bridge collapsed so I grew up hearing the stories of the Mothman, and this movie definitely doesn't do it justice.

Then again, “The Mothman Prophecies” was also a horrid movie, so maybe the real Mothman has no interest in having his life story told. A friend, who has a crush on Straite, actually fell asleep halfway through the movie despite mentioning several times how “hot” she was, so I have to say that this really doesn't have anything going for it.

“The Reef” Movie Review

Runtime: 94 minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: July 19, 2011

Director: Andrew Traucki

Luke makes a living transporting boats around the world for its owners, and on his latest job, he decides to take his friends with him for a short trip. There's his best friend Matt, Matt's girlfriend Suzie, Matt's sister Kate who has an on again/off again relationship with Luke, and Warren, who is the only person who seems like he really knows what he's doing. After a day of partying, swimming, and drinking, they strike a coral reef and the boat starts going down.

Warren, who knows the waters and sailed them before, decides to stay with the boat. As he tells the others, he knows all about the creatures in the water, and he has no desire to jump into the ocean. Luke, Matt, and Suzie decide to make a swim for land, though Suzie makes it clear that she can't swim ten miles or more, which is what Luke estimates. Kate originally plans to stay with the ship, but she decides at the last minute to go with them.

The first few hours go okay for the group, until they find the headless body of a large sea turtle in the water. Then, Matt gets attacked by a shark in the water. Despite nearly losing her mind at losing her boyfriend, Suzie tries to keep going. As the surviving trio get closer to the land that they started swimming towards, they discover that the shark isn't ready to let them go.

“The Reef” is actually a strong creature-feature. Though it's slightly similar to “Open Water,” it comes across as a better flick. Suzie is easily the most annoying person in the film, but you can almost relate to her. All she wanted was to spend some time with her boyfriend and friends, and despite being a poor swimmer, she manages to stick with them when they go for help.

Luke is the character that you will hate. He clearly doesn't have the experience to lead anyone out onto the water, and I can't imagine why anyone would agree to go with him when he decides to swim for help. Trust me, I'm not a bad swimmer, but if I had to swim more than ten miles for help, I would probably just lay down and let the shark eat me.

It's also one of those movies where you might start wondering what you would do in the same situation. Would you stick with the boat and hope a plane might spot you in the water, or would you swim deeper into the water in the hopes of finding land somewhere? No matter which scenario you find more appealing, you will enjoy this flick.

“The Barrens” Movie Review

Runtime: 94 minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: October 9, 2012

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

Shawn Ashmore (“Frozen”) goes walking through the woods with his girlfriend. After seeing a disemboweled animal in the woods, he urges her to run. When she runs directly into a tree, he rushes to help her and as something approaches them, the screen goes black.

The film then jumps to Richard (Stephen Moyer, “True Blood”) and his family. Richard looks forward to taking his family camping for the weekend and getting away, but they don't feel the same way. Sadie (Allie MacDonald, “House at the End of the Street”) hates her step-mother Katherine (Mia Kirshner) and would rather hang out with her friends, while her little brother is concerned that his dog went missing a few days ago.

Richard remembers camping in The Barrens with his own father, and he wants to scatter his dad's ashes, but things don't go the way he planned. They come across a dead deer in the middle of the street, there are other campers all over the park, and Sadie keeps wandering off to hang out with another teenager Ryan (Erik Knudsen, “Saw II”). It doesn't help when the teens start telling horror stories, including one about the local Jersey Devil, which makes his son cry and nearly wet his pants. Once Richard starts suffering flashbacks and becoming weaker as people disappear in the woods, it becomes clear that he might have a connection to the mysterious creature that might roam The Barrens.

First off, “The Barrens” really isn't as terrible as some reviews claim. The real problem is that it doesn't seem to know where it wants to go. When Richard finally admits to his wife that he killed his son's dog after it attacked him, she wonders if the dog was rabid. That would make sense and explain why Richard seems to lose his mind for no reason. Before you can digest that theory, the film offers another suggestion for his craziness and another before finally revealing that it's exactly what you thought, and that ending isn't nearly as entertaining as the one in your mind.

MacDonald does a good job playing the annoying teenage girl who you just want to smack. She meets Ryan and just a few minutes later, she's ready to wander out into the woods with him. Even as people start disappearing, she's still more willing to spend time with him than her own step-mother or father. “The Barrens” has quite a few moments where you might find yourself wanting to smack many of the characters, especially when they willingly decide to venture deeper into the woods, knowing that something is wrong with their leader (Richard).

The ending of “The Barrens” is fairly ridiculous, and it plays just like a film you might see on the SyFy Channel. Before it reaches that level though, it does have some bright moments.

“Jersey Shore Shark Attack” Movie Review

Runtime: 87 minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: 2012

Director: John Shepphird

A group of men drilling off the coast accidentally release a swarm of sharks, which naturally head to the Jersey Shore. A stereotypical group of people, who look like they just stepped off the background of the television show of the same name, must naturally band together to save the day. That might be a little difficult given that no one in the group really seems to like each other. There's the couple who recently broke up but might still harbor some feelings for each other, the drunk friend who wants nothing more than to have a few (or more drinks) and start dancing, and naturally, the guy who thinks that he's better than everyone else. As an added bonus, there is even a little cameo from former boy band member Joey Fatone.

Who wouldn't like to see a movie where the cast of “Jersey Shore” winds up eaten by sharks? Unfortunately, that's not what this film is about. “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” plays like a film created when someone decided to make use of the sets and extras left over when MTV decided to end the television show. Everything feels slightly familiar, even for those of us who never watched the show, but in a completely cheap and cheesy way.

The one big highlight in the film is that cameo from Fatone, but if you watched the trailer, you already saw this moment. Fatone shows up to lead a party on the beach, but seconds after he steps in front of the microphone, a giant shark leaps out of the water and proceeds to swallow him whole. Ah, if only Justin Timberlake would reach the point in his career where he did films like this! Take my advice, skip “Jersey Shore Shark Attack,” and stick with one of the far better recent shark films like “Bait” or “The Reef.”

Area 407 Movie Review

Runtime: 90 minutes
Rating: NR
Release Date: April 27, 2012
Director: Dale Fabrigar, Everette Wallin

It’s New Year’s Eve and a bunch of random people are on a flight from New York City to Los Angeles. A little girl films everyone with her camera as she travels with her older sister. There’s also a professional photographer who seems inappropriately interested in the older sister, a belligerent drunk who hates everyone, and a quiet woman who is actually an air marshal.

Not long after celebrating the New Year, the plane crashes in the middle of nowhere. The little sister hands the camera over to her big sister, which is a mistake because that kid should not get as much screen time as she does. The crash survivors almost immediately divide into two groups. One group wants to build a fire and wait for help to arrive, while the other group wants to wander into the dense forest and look for help. Naturally, those who leave suddenly begin screaming in horror. One man manages to make it back to the group, but he won’t tell them what happened or what he saw.

As the group goes through the supplies, the photographer and the drunk get into a miniature fight. The drunk thinks that his head wound is worse than anyone else’s injuries, and he isn’t willing to sit down and shut up. Once everyone calms down, the flight attendant goes back into the plane to find blankets and food. When the drunk asks for a drink, she laughingly goes to get one before screaming. By the time they find her, she’s dead, and they are all on a fight for their lives.

I enjoyed Area 407...to a point. The little sister is such an annoying character that I literally winced every time she walked onscreen. You know how you sometimes watch a movie and you root for one character to die quickly? That’s how I feel about this chick. The older sister is not only a better actress but far less annoying, which makes it sad when she becomes the camera holder.

Area 407 lacks any real character development too. Did you notice how I keep referring to characters without using their names? Yeah, that’s because I never bothered to learn them. The annoying little sister stays the annoying little sister throughout the movie, and the asshole drunk remains the asshole drunk. It’s also funny that the little sister looks like a tween/early teen, but she skips and dances around like an eight-year-old.

It’s also missing the blood and gore that modern films have. When someone gets attacked, the camera immediately pans to a horrific look on one of the character’s faces without showing us exactly what happened. We also have to sit through a lot of screaming and scenes of the camera pointed at the ground as characters run away.

Still, the end of the movie makes it worth sitting through. We get a few glimpses at what happened to the travelers and why it happened, but Area 407 manages to keep the exact secret under wraps until the last few seconds.

Movie Review: Alligator X aka Xtinction: Predator X

Runtime: 90 minutes
Rating: NR
Release Date: August 18, 2010
Director: Amir Valinia

Laura le Crois (Elena Lyons, Club Dread) comes back to her home town to discover that her father is missing. He owes the bank a ton of money, and they are threatening to foreclose on his land. She has a brief run-in with Charles LeBlanc (Mark Sheppard, Supernatural, Warehouse 13), a doctor who offers to buy the land before the bank forecloses. After the two fight and he leaves, she meets with Sheriff Tim Richards (Lochlyn Munro, The Terror Experiment, The Tooth Fairy). Richards reveals that LeBlanc has started acting a little weird and doing experiments in the swamp. Do you see where this is going?

A young man and his girlfriend stop by and hire the boat. Since her dad is missing, Laura decides to lead them on a swamp tour herself, despite not being in the swamp in years. Naturally, the boat dies in the middle of nowhere and they find themselves hunted by a giant alligator. Laura begins wondering if her ex-husband, the infamous doctor, had a role in the genetic engineering of the monster.

I absolutely love creature features, especially bad ones made for television and those that go straight to DVD. Alligator X should be right up my alley, but it was so bad that I spent most of the movie rolling my eyes. Some of the reviews I read claimed that Lyons was a great actress, but I thought she did a terrible job. I’ve seen her on several television shows, most notable USA High as a teen, and she always seems to play the same snobby, stuck up character. Even here, when she’s supposed to be a poor girl who made good, she still comes across as incredibly snobby.

The one bright spot in Munro. Munro made a career playing a variety of roles in straight to DVD and low budget films, and he seems to have a preference for horror films. He actually does a believably job as portraying a man who is still in love with the girl he loved in high school, and you can believe that he is willing to do anything to save her.

Sheppard is almost as good in the film. He seems to know that this is a low budget movie, but he still puts his best foot forward. He does a great job playing a man who might have feelings for his ex-wife even though he wants to keep working on something that will change the world. If everything in the movie was as good as the acting of those two, Alligator X could be a much better movie.

Bait Movie Review

Runtime: 91 minutes
Rating: R
Release Date: September 1, 2012
Director: Kimble Rendell

What can you say about a movie that involves blood thirsty sharks running loose after a tsunami hits a beach town? These are the kind of movies that I love because I know that I will get a kick out of them, but Bait actually comes across as a little boring.

Josh (Xavier Samuel) opens the film, lounging on the beach with his girlfriend Tina and talking about their upcoming move. His best friend gets attacked by a shark, and while he tries to save him, the man dies. Josh then broods about his life, breaking up with Tina and quitting his job.

One year later and things aren’t looking up for Josh. Tina comes back into town with a new man, and Josh works in a grocery store, which gets held up by two men, including Doyle (Julian McMahon, Charmed). Nothing really happens until the tsunami strikes, sending thousands of gallons of water into the grocery store.

One group of survivors climbs on top of the shelves, and the group includes a cop named Todd (Martin Sacks), his shoplifting daughter Jamie (Phoebe Tonkin), Tina, her boyfriend Steven, Doyle, his partner Kirby, and two people who work there. An underground tunnel provides access to the parking garage where Jamie’s boyfriend Ryan (Alex Russell) and a couple named Heather and Kyle get stuck. Naturally, the sharks begin attacking and both groups must figure out a way to survive.

I thought the premise of Bait sounded interesting, which is why I gave it a shot, and believe it or not, it does have a few good moments. Heather is easily one of the most annoying characters, constantly carting her dog around with her. When Kyle risks his life to get away with her dog, you will find yourself screaming at him to just drop it. When he finally does, you can’t help but laugh. There’s another nice moment between the two when Heather refuses to get out of the car because of her expensive shoes, and he has to admit that he lied and said they were designer shoes.

The group in the grocery store isn’t quite as entertaining. McMahon is a great actor and a personal fave of mine, but he almost seems to sleepwalk through the movie. When he suggests making a large fishing hook to catch the shark, it’s so ridiculous that I found myself waiting for someone to make a fake drum sound.

Bait never really delivers any scares, but it doesn’t seem like it should either. Despite having a bigger budget than most of the films that I watch, it plays like a basic run of the mill creature feature made for Syfy.