Return to Sender – Pales in Comparison to Gone Girl

Runtime: 95 minutes

Release Date: August 14, 2015

Rating: ?

Director: Fouad Mikati

Miranda is a single woman living in a tiny town who has little friends beyond her dad and some of the other nurses she works with. Though she is a talented cake artist and is in the process of buying a new home, her friends think she needs more in her life and set her up with a nice guy named Kevin. On the day of their blind dates, she hears a knock at the door and assuming that it's Kevin, she lets in the normal and slightly looking cute guy there. He quickly becomes irrational, chases her around her house, throws her down on the island in the kitchen, and rapes her.

The man, who we later learn is named William, runs off, leaving her blind date to come across her battered body. Though they catch William and send him to prison, Miranda finds that she can't get her life back together again. She develops a tremor in her hand that keeps her from decorating cakes and stops her from getting promoted to a better department in work, and she has to pull out of the new house because no one will buy her old house. Her agent even tells her that no one will buy it because of its bad reputation.

Miranda finally decides to take matters into her own hands and take back her life again. She paints her house, installs new shutters, and renovates her kitchen to make her house look brand new again. She also writes William a letter, which he sends back return to sender. After sending him dozens of letters, he finally agrees to see her. They begin writing each other, talking on the phone, and she visits him frequently. When William gets out of prison early, we learn why she formed a connection with a man like him.

You can't watch Return to Sender without comparing it to Gone Girl, but this movie is definitely no Gone Girl. All the elements are there, but it just feels like there's something missing. There are things like how Miranda takes the time to befriend her dad's dog. The dog never liked anyone, especially her, but she eventually spends time feeding it and caring for it. When the dog dies, we're left suspecting her of being the reason for its death even though we have no proof. I'm assuming it was put in there as a way to show what she's capable of but it's just kind of blah.

Nick Nolte plays her dad, and his talent is so under utilized that he's literally billed as Miranda's Father. We see him stumbling around everywhere, falling down all the time, and generally having health problems, but she basically just ignores him. He does have a great scene where he sees William in the hardware store and seriously contemplates attacking him with a bat. Unfortunately, that leads to a scene where he confronts Miranda and she lies right to his face before blowing him off.

While Rosamind Pike as Miranda wasn't the best, Shiloh Fernandez did a great job as William. There was a scene between him and his “roommate” in prison that left all three of us squirming in our seats.

Having loved both the book and movie of Gone Girl, I was looking forward to Return to Sender but, no pun intended, it didn't deliver. By the time it finally reached the point everyone waited for and wanted to see, it glossed right over her revenge.

Hazmat Movie Review – When Reality Shows Go Wrong

Runtime: 80 minutes
Release Date: August 16, 2013
Rating: R
Director: Lou Simon


Hazmat opens with two young woman trapped in an old abandoned hotel. They reach the only exit only to find that it's locked, and a killer approaches them from behind. One of the women struggles with the man over a gun. He stabs her before getting shot. Just as the other one flips out, they reveal that it's all a set up for the reality television show Scary Encounters, which is pretty much that show from SyFy.


We then meet three new people planning a prank on their friend Jacob. His father once worked for a chemical plant in town and claimed that it was haunted. After his dad died, he went a little crazy and started believing his old man's stories. They decide to play a prank on him, bring him into the plant, and make him think it's haunted. What could possibly go wrong?


Things go well at first. The camera crew lock themselves in the former office and place hidden cameras all around the building. There's David AKA Scary David the host of the show, his girlfriend Brenda, and two camera guys. Adam, who set up Jacob, and their friends Melanie and Carla show up with Jacob. They convince him to sneak inside and see if it really is haunted.


David told the girls to hide and just try to stay out of the way and helped Adam pretend that the ghost killed him. Instead of hiding, the two girls wander around and spend far too much time talking about their problems, including how Carla apparently becomes a clone of the men she dates. Isn't it funny what random crap you can remember from movies? Jacob finds an old hazmat suit, which Adam recommends he ignore, and after slipping it on, he goes a little crazy.


It doesn't take long for Jacob to go from shaking and holding himself to going on a murderous rampage. He kills the actor who typically plays the killer on the show before attacking and killing his best friend. The camera crew watching from behind the scenes realizes what's going on long before the other characters do, but as they're locked in a room and aren't sure where Jacob is, they don't know what to do.


Hazmat does something really smart in the beginning. David tells everyone to leave their cell phones outside to focus on the show. You know how you watch films and wonder why no one doesn't just call the cops? At least in this one, you know why they can't call for help. The director also makes it clear that the reception on their walkie talkies is bad too, which explains why they can't get in touch with workers outside the building.


Unfortunately, other moments in the film don't make nearly as much sense. At one point, Jacob is tracking Melanie through the building and she manages to make it to the locked office. The other characters spend several minutes talking about whether they should let her end while he's at the complete other end of the building. By the time they finally do decide to let her in, Jacob is practically behind her.


They also never take the time to explain what made Jacob snap. The film crew thinks that he spotted the cameras and decided to enact revenge on those who set him up. We never learn what happened though. He puts on the suit and just goes cray-cray. Maybe it's a possessed suit, maybe he's possessed by some vengeful spirit. Who knows?


Let's not forget the so-called "hidden" cameras. One of those cameras is actually a rotating security camera that sits right near the entrance to the building. Jacob literally spots it a few minutes after they get there. The film plays it off like he thinks it's just a security camera, but why would an abandoned building have a security camera or an entire system?


The one thing I did enjoy about the film was the acting of Norbert Velez and Todd Bruno. Bruno plays Scary David and did an admirable job. When first introduced, he seemed like just another sleazy television producer, but he later becomes the hero of the film tasked with saving his girlfriend and friends. Velez takes on the role of Jacob, the formerly normal man who becomes a serial killer. Both men did a great job, and I look forward to seeing them in other films.


Hazmat could have been a good film, but other than some good acting, it came across like something I've seen before.

I Spit On Your Grave Movie Review – "That's What I Like in a Woman – Total Submission."

Runtime: 101 minutes
Release Date: November 22, 1978
Rating: NR
Director: Meir Zarchi


Jennifer wants nothing more than to spend some time in the country to focus on her writing and work on her book. After renting a house in the woods, she makes the "mistake" of actually talking to men and letting one stop by her house to drop off some groceries instead of keeping to herself and being barefoot and pregnant. The men also think she wants them because she has the "audacity" to sit inside her own yard in a bikini, wear a bikini on the water, and talk to them in town.


One day, four of those men decide to make her wish she never came to their town. They confront her in the woods, brutally rape her, and let her walk away. After she wanders through the woods for hours, they come out of the shadows and do it all over again. Jennifer finally escapes and makes it home, only for the men to come out and rape her again. They finally leave for good, but send their mentally challenged friend back to kill her. He chickens out and tells them he did the deed.


Jennifer recovers from the rapes and beatings long enough to think about how she can enact her revenge on those men. She lets them know that she's still alive, which leads to them beating the snot out of their friend. She then lures that man back to her cabin, where she has sex with him before strangling him and hanging him from a tree. Jennifer then takes the time to slowly dispatch of each man in a new and horrifying way.


I Spit On Your Grave is one of those films that you watch once and never forget, but in my case, you watch it once and remember it as much harsher than it actually was. A friend watched the remake, and when he mentioned that he never saw the original, we decided to sit down and watch it recently. I kept talking about how dark and disturbing the movie was, so much so that I only ever watched it once before. It somehow went down a little smoother the second time.


Watching the movie for a second time, I couldn't help wanting to see his reaction at some of the death scenes. While he squirmed during the penis-capitation scene in the bathtub, he didn't find anything else very dark. That led me to wonder why I remembered the deaths as so dark and intense. One man gets an ax to the back and another gets a boat engine on him, but the film doesn't really show anything too dark. In today's world, we don't have a problem showing someone's penis laying on the table or at the bottom of the ocean, but I Spit On Your Grave asked you to use your imagination. When we see the blood spurting around the bathroom, that's all you need to see.


The rape scenes in this movie really left a lasting impression on me. As soon as I knew those scenes were coming up, I found excuses to get up and walk to the bathroom or grab something out of the kitchen. Camille Keaton really sells her part well. When Jennifer locks the bathroom door on the man, walks downstairs, and sits down while listening to the man's screams, you can't help but feel something for her.


I can see kids today watching this movie and rolling their eyes, but for true horror fans, it's something that they can't miss. While the death scenes weren't as dark as those scenes were in my head, I Spit On Your Grave is still a dark film that leaves me feeling unsettled.

Among Friends Movie Review – A Killer Party?

Runtime: 87 minutes
Release Date: August 27, 2013
Rating: R
Director: Danielle Harris


Danielle Harris finally steps behind the camera, and her first outing is...okay.


Among Friends opens with shots of various men and woman getting dressed up for a party at their friend Bernadette's house. Three men and three women eventually reach the party thanks to the help of a limousine driver played by Kane Hodder. They share a few drinks, but when they sit down, they realize that they can't move. By the time they realize that they're paralyzed, they also realize that Bernadette is whacked in the head.


It turns out that Bernadette brought them all there for a little vengeance. From the hidden cameras she installed in her home, she knows all their dirty little secrets, and she enjoys rubbing salt in their wounds. They each receive a special present from her that somehow relates to their secret. She knows that one of the men raped one of his friends, that three of them engaged in a threesome, and that one masturbated while watching two of his friends have sex.


Bernadette also reveals that their missing friend Lily came to her with a secret. After her "friend" raped her, she learned she was pregnant and asked Bernadette to take her to the abortion clinic. Bernadette decides that each of the people should be punished for what they did wrong, and she is the one who should dole out the punishments.


Among Friends had an interesting concept, and I think it could have been a much better movie than it was. Jennifer Blanc and Brianne Davi were two of the standouts in the movie. Blanc portrays one third of the three some group, and she does a great job sitting at a table as her friend throws her past in the face. When Bernadette gives her the option to be punished or let a friend take her place, you can actually believe the dilemma she faces. Davis is just as good, playing an actress who trips during the entire dinner party. She believes that she's on the set of a film and confuses the people at the table with other actors.


If you read the box, you'll see Harris listed as a "scream queen" on the front of the box. While she does appear in the film, it's in a brief blink and you'll miss it scene. Those who remember her from the Halloween series will get a kick out of seeing a grown up Harris dressed in a red-and-white clown costume.


Among Friends doesn't really have any major issues, but it seemed slow at times. Bernadette is the perfect crazy chick, but we don't get any real motivation for why she does what she does. Raping a friend is a horrible thing, but is that what really caused her to snap? She already had cameras scattered around her house, and it's clear that she tracked her friends for years. We never learn why she went crazy, why she picked this night to enact her vengeance, or even why she didn't just convince Lily to go to the cops. While entertaining at times, Among Friends just left a number of unanswered questions behind.

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives Movie Review

Runtime: 90 minutes
Release Date: October 15, 2010
Rating: NR
Director: Israel Luna


Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives plays out like three different movies in one. The first third of the film takes place in a club where the self-professed trannies talk about the ins and outs of relationships and men. The second third of the film takes place when the women find themselves attacked by a group of men that are less than happy to learn that the chicks they sought out have a little more under the hood. Then the film spirals into a third film that is a straight up exploitation film.


After suffering extreme violence at the hands of a group of men, one of the characters calls back to the club to explain what happened. Though they expect to get the help they need, they actually find themselves beaten again and left for dead. By the time Bubbles (the main character) gets out of the hospital, she just wants to move on with her life again, but she instead finds the men coming back to her for another round. That finally causes something inside her to snap, which lets her focus on making those men regret messing with her and her friends.


When I restored my Netflix membership after an absence of a few years, this was one of the few films that was still in my queue. I hazily remembered that a guy I dated recommended the movie when trying to get me interested in the exploitation films that he loved, but I didn't know anyone else who watched the movie, and I didn't know much about it. It turns out that Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives is one of the funniest revenge thrillers I've seen in awhile.


This movie has it all for exploitation lovers: a cool story, brutal scenes of violence, and actors with little experience in front of a camera. The only thing that really detracted from the movie was the lack of acting experience in the cast. I've found that some of the actors do have some experience, which is a little odd because many of the actors are really bad in this film. They seem more like people who randomly decided to make a movie without much money, and it sometimes plays like something they made for their friends than a real movie.


That doesn't mean that I hated the movie. I actually found it pretty entertaining and recommended it to a few friends. It had a number of moments that made me laugh, and some of the violence in the film is pretty dark. Netflix removed the flick from its streaming services, but if you can find a copy, give it a try. Ticked-off Trannies with Knives isn't a classic horror flick, but it's an entertaining movie.

I Spit on Your Grave 2 Movie Review

Runtime: 106 minutes
Release Date: September 20, 2013
Rating: R
Director: Steven R. Monroe


Katie is a former Midwestern girl now living in New York City. After a "friend" points out that her photos look like she's a small town girl, she agrees to meet with a photographer and do some new shots for her portfolio. The photographer tries to convince her to take off her clothes and pose for some even better pictures, which she rightly refuses. She later wakes to find Georgie, the brother (or cousin) of the photographer in her apartment and taking photos of her with his cell phone. He brutally rapes her and murders her neighbor who comes to her rescue before calling his family for help.


One of the men forces her to take a large dose of ketamine before they throw her in a box and she passes out. When she wakes up, they send in their "father," who proceeds to use a cattle prod on her multiple times and rape her. Katie eventually escapes and learns she's in Bulgaria, but she finds herself brought back to the same house for a second dose of abuse. When the men decide to dispose of her once and for all, she escapes again, but instead of heading home, she brings vengeance down on the men who wronged her.


There's a scene in "I Spit on Your Grave 2" where a man puts a cattle prod in a very sensitive spot, which made me wince and close my legs a little tighter. My boyfriend laughed at me, until we got to the scene where she places a sensitive part of the male anatomy in a vice and cranks it. That left us both wincing and wondering what the hell we were watching.


"I Spit on Your Grave 2" is an extremely dark movie, which made me feel a little odd for saying that I liked it. The original film had such an impact on me that I still tell people about the bathroom scene. Even though I only saw it once, it left a lasting impression on me, and I feel the same way about this one. The remake was one of those films that I watched once and promptly forgot about. It didn't seem as dark or as gritty as the original, and it felt a little bland to me. I felt completely different about the sequel.


The movie starts out with Katie talking to a friend about her modeling career, and you think you know where it's going. When they stuffed her full of ketamine, I assumed they were trying to frame her and make it look like she murdered her friend before dying of a drug overdose. She later wakes up and finds herself chained to a pole in a weird basement. When she finally escapes from the basement, she discovers that the men somehow sneaked her into Bulgaria, but that's far from the only twist in the film.


Katie is a likeable character, which is rare in a newer horror film. Jemma Dallender, the actress portraying Katie, goes from a sweet and innocent young woman to a vengeful woman who only cares about tracking down the men who took away her innocence, and she does a great job of making me believe in her growth.


"I Spit on Your Grave 2" also has a few gruesome deaths. I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but keep your eyes peeled for a scene involving a man dying of a severe infection brought on by literal shit rubbed into his open wounds. It's the type of film that had me feeling a little squeamish and wondering who comes up with this stuff. Though it's not the type of movie I would watch on a regular basis, it's definitely a solid horror flick and one of those rare sequels that is better than the previous film.