Friday, June 19, 2015

Zombeavers Movie Review - We cannot turn against each other right now. That's exactly what the beavers would want.

Runtime: 85 minutes
Release Date: March 20 2015
Rating: R
Director: Jordan Rubin

Two truck drivers (including one played by John Mayer who I did not recognize until the very end) are driving down the road and not paying attention, which causes them to hit a deer and drop a barrel of toxic waste into the local water supply where beavers live.

Cut to Mary, Zoe, and Jenn arriving at a cabin owned by Mary's cousin for a girls' weekend getaway. Zoey is the stereotypical slut who freaks out because she can't use her phone and takes off her top within 10 minutes. Mary is the "smart" girl, and you know she's smart because she wears glasses and talks about school. Jenn is just upset because her boyfriend Sam was tagged on Facebook getting down with another girl.

While hanging out by the lake, they see a bear, but luckily, a random hunter named Smyth pops up and fires his gun to scare it away. He then warns them about dressing like whores before wandering off. Later that night, the guys show up. Tommy is Mary's boyfriend, Buck is with Zoey, and Sam came to talk to Jenn. After kissing him and kneeing him in the balls, Jenn settles down a bit. Jenn goes crazy after finding a crazy beaver in the bathroom. They attack and kill the beaver before leaving it outside, but when they go to the water the next day, the beaver is gone. Once crazy zombeavers attack Buck in the water, our group kind of/sort of figures out what's going on.

Can I just say that I now have a new favorite guilty pleasure movie? Zombeavers was so insane and over the top that you can't help but like it. It made me feel the way other people did the first time they saw Sharknado. I didn't get it when I saw that movie, but I get it now. It was clearly done by someone who loved bad and cheesy horror movies because everything about Zombeavers seems like something I've seen in a bad 80s horror flick.

Not only do we get the classic stereotypical characters, but we get that moment where the main character suddenly becomes a human-beaver-zombie hybrid and allows a second character to take the lead. We even have that plot "twist" that anyone can see coming. Hint: it turns out that the girl Sam had the fling with isn't a random stranger.

And oh my god, the beavers! They were so fucked up and crazy looking that I want like six of them for Halloween to hang out in my front yard with a few zombie flamingos and one I can leave sitting in my living room year round. My only one minor complaint is how often the characters mention that they're in Indiana given that the background looks absolutely nothing like Indiana. I loved Zombeavers so much that I think I might go watch it again, right now.

Oh, and if you're a fan of The Office or a Parks and Recreation fan like me (save for the last season), keep your eyes peeled. The actors who played JJ on Parks and Recreation and Bill Vance from The Office are both in very minor/almost cameo roles.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Honeymoon Movie Review – I Just Want Us to Be Us

Runtime: 87 minutes
Release Date: September 14, 2014
Rating: R
Director: Leigh Janiak

Honeymoon starts out with footage recorded at the wedding of Bea and Paul. Bea talks about how he proposed to her after setting up a tent on top of their bed, and Paul talks about how he got sick on their first date and spent the rest of the night on her bedroom floor. It then cuts to the two of them arriving at a cabin owned by Bea's family for their honeymoon. After giving him a short tour, they spend time making love in every room and on nearly every surface they can find.

When they take a boat out on the lake, Bea contemplates jumping in before discovering that the water is ice cold. She also takes him to the only restaurant in the rural community, which turns out to be closed according to the man working there. He reveals himself as Will, a friend of Bea's from her childhood, and introduces them to his wife Annie. Annie almost instantly tells them to get out and warns them about staying. When Will attempts to calm her down, Paul grows worried because he thinks the man is abusive.

One night, Paul wakes and discovers that Bea is missing. He finds her outside in the middle of the woods completely naked. She claims she has no idea how she got there or what happened earlier that night. When Bea begins making excuses as to why she doesn't want to sleep with her new husband and Paul finds her bloody and ripped nightgown in the woods, he tries to find a reason behind her new attitude. Once Bea begins bleeding from a spot I won't mention, he realizes that there is something darker happening to his new bride.

Honeymoon confused the hell out of me. A few weeks ago, my roommate and I saw a trailer for it, I said something about how we saw it before, and he looked super confused. When I sat down to watch it, I realized we really never had seen it. I know I saw a movie with a similar premise. Husband and wife go on their honeymoon to a cabin in the woods, wife disappears in the middle of the night and then starts acting weird. I just can't remember the name or even the ending. If anyone knows what the hell that movie was, please let me know.

I personally thought Honeymoon was a lot better than most of the reviews say. There is a great dynamic between the actors playing Bea and Paul, and the director does a great job of setting up their relationship before any of the odd stuff starts happening. There are all these little nods that go back to the beginning of the film to let you know something weird happened, like Bea not remembering where they went on their first date or how she can barely remember how or when he proposed.

It also has that vibe that you expect from a movie like this and some great music too. When Paul goes into the woods, the music intensifies and the lights dim as he gets closer to the nightgown. I also want to give some props to the writer for making Paul a completely believable character. Instead of instantly thinking it's aliens or some creature in the woods, he naturally assumes that Will attacked his wife and that she's now in shock. Plus, don't get me started on her bleeding scenes. It sent me back to the first time I watched Cabin Fever and left one of my roommates briefly wondering if he would ever have sex with a woman again. While I wasn't crazy about the reason for her actions or the very end, Honeymoon was definitely one I'll watch again.

Friday, June 5, 2015

The Mirror Movie Review – Haven't I Seen This Before?

Runtime: September 8. 2014
Release Date: 88 minutes
Rating: NR?
Director: Edward Boase

Have you ever sat down to watch a movie and halfway through had this weird feeling that you already saw it before? That's how I felt watching The Mirror. It's not that I actually watched the movie before, but it played like something I've seen many, many, many times before.

Matt, Nate, and Jemma are three roommates who want to win this big prize. The only way they can actually win is if they can show scientific proof of paranormal activity. After browsing eBay prior to the start of the film, they found and haunted mirror and decided to buy it. As one character kind of puts it, they must have seen him coming. The movie picks up with them recording the mirror and the things that happen to them.

The worst thing that happens for a good portion of the film is when one character starts sleepwalking in the middle of the night and doing random things. Now, I could tell you which character it was but frankly I don't really remember who is who except for Jemma. The weird stuff intensifies, which leads the three to decide that it must really be haunted. Since it's a horror movie though, there's really nothing they can do about it.

I heard that some people compared The Mirror to Occulus and fans complained that it wasn't fair because Occulus had a way bigger budget. I'm all for horror movies made on cheap budgets and actually enjoy some of those movies. Hell, I have a few reviews coming up for cheap movies I actually liked. This one does not make the list.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older or what, but I just don't have patience anymore for younger characters in horror movies who are so completely dumb and annoying. Jemma spends a good portion of the film crying or laughing, and the other characters spend most of the movie laughing about all the random things that keep happening and/or talking about the big prize they might win.

It's also ridiculous the way in which the director expects us to suspend disbelief. I've seen teenage girls/college girls moping and whining on Facebook after getting a cut, and the characters in this movie constantly hurt themselves and do other crazy stuff without once even thinking about possibly seeing a doctor. Not to mention the fact that one of the characters goes crazy and the other two just ignore it. Never once do they even consider or bring up the idea of calling the police. I would buy that they don't want to involve the cops because they don't want to get their friend in trouble, but since they never mention it, I guess that never crossed their minds.

And let's just consider the premise for the entire movie, shall we? It's a movie called The Mirror about a haunted Mirror. You might think that the mirror would do something at some point, wouldn't you? Instead, we get 80+ minutes of younger people acting crazy for no apparent reason. It could have literally been anything: a doll, a chair, hell even a plate. I'm really getting tired of horror movies where nothing seems to happen and horror films that offer nothing new, just like this one.