Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Airplane vs. Volcano

Runtime: 91 minutes
Release Date: March 28, 2014
Rating: NR
Director: The Kondelik Brothers

I never know where to put this bad movies: here or on my television movie blog. Since I have a tag for disaster flicks, I'll just go ahead and put it here.

Airplane vs. Volcano opens with some poor dude checking out an inactive volcano and later watching as it goes off and kills him. We then see an airplane flying through the sky, unaware that there are a chain of volcanoes going off in front of them. The military somehow gets involved and decides to evacuate people living on the closest islands without giving a damn about the people in the sky.

This makes Robin Givens extremely unhappy. I know she has a character name, but since she'll always be Robin Givens to me, I didn't bother to learn her name. Robin is some kind of volcano expert and her second in command is on the flight. He somehow manages to get a phone call to the military base to let them know that the people on the flight are still alive, but it really doesn't seem like anyone in the military gives a damn about them.

The whole point of the movie is that there's an airplane stuck in the air with volcanoes erupting all around them. Dean Cain pops up looking a little less sexy than he has in the past...Oh, who am I kidding? Dean Cain could pop up with a massive bald spot, wearing a University of Michigan shirt (not a fan), and singed off eyebrows, and I'd still rip off my clothes and attack him. He's a pilot who picked the wrong flight. When the pilot and co-pilot die, he has to take over the plane. Unfortunately, the plane is on some kind of auto pilot. He can make the plane move to the left or right slightly but can't really do anything else. It's up to Robin Givens and Dean Cain to save the day while up against both bad military personnel and erupting volcanoes.

The best parts of the movie take place on the plane. For some reason, everyone on board decides that they hate Dean Cain. Look guys, Futuresport was bad but it wasn't that bad. The air marshal has to kind of keep everyone under control and keep them from attacking. It would probably be super bad if they did, given that he's the only one who can actually fly the plane. There are a bunch of other characters in the movie but most of them are pretty forgettable. I think there's a mom flying with her kid and some guy with tattoos who we're supposed to find threatening. He was far less scary than the guy I saw at Kroger earlier tonight with tattoos completely covering his arms, face, neck, and bald head who incidentally bought a large amount of food with a food stamp card before paying cash for beer, a carton of cigarettes, and some fireworks. Definitely scared the crap out of me.

Airplane vs. Volcano is from the great minds at The Asylum, so you know it has the worst special effects. When the volcanoes went off, it actually reminded me of some of the bad video games I've played over the years. On the plus side, we actually get erupting and flowing lava, fireballs, and sparks that basically shoot out of the sky and at the plane. Those effects kept me laughing for far too long.

This one is just another bad movie from the folks at The Asylum, but if you're like me and love watching "serious" movies that will make you giggle, you have to give it up for Airplane vs. Volcano.

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