Monday, November 16, 2015

Arachnoquake TV Movie Review – Now That's How You Make Jambalaya

Runtime: 86 minutes
Release Date: June 23, 2012
Rating: NR
Director: Griff Furst

Arachnoquake is a completely ridiculous movie that is an absolute blast.

Paul is a hot guy living in New Orleans who wakes up in the morning at a stranger's apartment. Though he attempts to sneak out without her waking, she catches him just before he leaves, throws him his boxers, and makes it clear that she would like to see him again. He then heads to work, where he's a tour guide for his father's company with his sister. Since his sister and dad need to rescue the boat he practically wrecked the night before, they send him out to lead the latest tour around the city.

Tracey Gold of Growing Pains fame then enters the picture of Katelynn, the mother of two kids and the wife of Charlie, played by Edward Furlong. The two brought their kids to New Orleans because Charlie is a coach/bus driver and had to bring some students to town. The two separate, with Charlie taking his students and Katelynn taking their kids on the tour led by Paul.

Also on board is an older man, a hot woman, and her boyfriend. While driving through town, they almost crash when they come across a large crack in the middle of the road. After doing some investigating, they find themselves attacked by a bunch of white spiders. Since Tracey Gold is secretly a high school science teacher, she determines that the spiders live below ground and have no eyes. They then find themselves dealing with the spiders at the same time that they try to track down Paul's missing family. As an added bonus. Edward Furlong winds up trapped on the side of the road with a bunch of bitchy teen girls when the spiders attack.

Arachnoquake is probably one of the worst movies that I have ever seen, but it was so damn fun! We literally spent most of the movie laughing our asses off and wondering where we could find a copy for sale. The whole movie is cheesy and hilarious. Tracey Gold as a science teacher who somehow knows everything there is to know about a new species of spider? Edward Furlong as a responsible teacher/coach? Seriously, who would ever trust their kids with Furlong for an entire weekend?

The spiders are pretty funny too. There are multiple scenes where the spiders work together to kill people. A few will lure the victim close to the crack in the ground, the rest will crawl all over him/her, and the rest will actually push the victim into the crack, presumably to feed all the other spiders living below ground. It was just so funny that we had to crack up.

Arachnoquake clearly won't win any big awards, but it was a laugh riot. We actually found ourselves quoting the movie after watching it, including, “Now that's how you make jambalaya,” which Furlong says after smacking a spider with a baseball bat. This is one of the best of the bad movies!

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