Runtime:
88 minutes
Release
Date: September 2, 2016
Rating:
PG-13
Director:
Kevin Smith
You know
those smug teens that walk around and act like they're hot shit
because their daddies just bought them a brand new Mercedes or Range
Rover? Apparently the Hollywood equivalent of a brand new car is the
chance to star in your own flick. That is the only reason I can
imagine anyone casting these two young ladies in starring roles.
Yoga
Hosers follows the “adventures” of Colleen M. and Colleen C., two
best friends who work in a convenience store owned by Colleen C's
dad. They do things like leave stupid notes on the front door about
having heavy periods or a UTI to spend more time rehearsing in the
stockroom with their 35-year-old drummer. As with most teens, they're
also addicted to their phones and never seem to put the devices down,
and Colleen M. has a massive crush on Hunter, the heart throb of
their school.
After
Hunter invites them to his cool party and they get stuck working,
they tell him to bring the party to them. He shows up with his best
friend and tries to kill Colleen M. because, hey why not make him a
random serial killer? Before he can kill her though, a strange little
create pops out and kills him. The “Bratzis” as the flick calls
them are a combination bratwurst and Nazi bred by a former Nazi to
try and take over the world but let out too early. It's up to the two
Colleens to defeat the Bratzis with their dope yoga skills.
I'm on
the fence about whether Yoga Hosers is just as bad as Tusk or a small
step up. At least Tusk had some talented actors. This one has the
daughters of Kevin Smith and Johnny Depp playing spoiled teenagers
and seemingly struggling with those roles. Neither one is that great
of an actor, and it doesn't help that Smith lets them sing multiple
times throughout the film. It's distracting and just plain annoying.
Yoga
Hosers is the kind of film that will appear really dated in the next
few years. It almost felt like Smith wanted to make a “hip” or
“cool” film because so many scenes practically shouted, “Hey!
Look at me! I understand current slang.” If I heard the word basic
one more time, I thought I might scream. There is one scene where
they must say it a dozen times or more in just a few minutes.
I'm
honestly shocked that people in Canada didn't hate this film. The
Canadian jokes never start out subtly. All the jokes are right there
in your face and seem more bullying than friendly. From the way they
throw in “bout” and “eh” references to the fact that almost
every character loves hockey, it's just a little too much.
The only
reasons to watch it are for the performances by Tony Hale and Natasha
Lyonne. Hale plays Bob, the owner of the shop and Colleen C's dad,
while Lyonne is his manager and girlfriend. The two are so funny
together that I want to either see a spin off film or a Netflix
original show that stars the two of them. They're definitely the
highlights of the flick.
As
someone who became a huge Kevin Smith fan after seeing Chasing Amy,
I'm so disappointed by his last two horror movies. Here's hoping that
he does a better job with Moose Jaws, his third and thankfully last
film in the Canadian horror trilogy.
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