Runtime:
85 minutes
Release
Date: July 1, 2016
Rating:
R
Director:
Jeffrey G. Hunt
Chloe
and David are the type of hipster young couple you just love to hate.
Elise, Chloe's cousin, and Elise's boyfriend, Seth, agree to go with
them to Coachella provided that they can stop and take a tour of
murder places in LA on the way. They go to a hotel and check in for
the night, specifically choosing to stay in a room where a woman
killed herself. The two then take them to the Manson house and some
other “special” places before stopping by an occult shop.
The
manager of the shop makes it clear that he doesn't want them around.
Seth keeps asking to buy stuff that he shouldn't and being a pain,
which leads to the guy pulling a knife and chasing them out of the
store. They then make the mistake of following him that night and
stumbling upon a random sacrifice. Chloe flips out when they see a
woman about to be killed and cause a disturbance, which lets them all
escape. When they take the young woman, Alice, back to their hotel
room, all hell breaks loose.
Let me
admit that I probably would not have watched Satanic if I hadn't seen
the cover first. I was like, “hey, that looks like Sarah Hyland
from Modern Family,” but then it was more, “oh, what the hell
would she be doing in some random low budget horror film?” Needless
to say, it really is Hyland in the film. After seeing her as the
airhead daughter on Modern Family, it wasn't too hard to buy her as a
girl on a road trip with friends who just wanted to go to a music
festival.
The
issue I had with Satanic is that it's one of those horror movies that
seems to cater to a much younger audience. Now that I'm in my soon to
be late 30s, I'm noticing that a lot of horror flicks, even those
with an R rating, are designed for teenagers and college students
instead of those of us who grew up on the best generation of horror
movies. I could care less about Coachella and in fact, looked up the
line up for this year and realized that I only heard of like three
bands playing.
It might
seem like Elise and Seth are the two that we should root for, but
they're extremely annoying. They're the type of rich kids who listen
to true crime podcasts and wear black, which somehow make them
experts. They're also the ones who refuse to let the other two,
including David who literally drove them there in his van, do
whatever they want or even go to the festival because they want to
run around doing dumb shit in LA.
Speaking
of dumb shit in LA, who the fuck thinks it's appropriate to follow
some random stranger because he chased you out of his store for being
dick heads? If a guy pulled a knife on me, I'm pretty sure I would
just leave and never look back. I'm also not entirely sure I would
take a random girl I just met back to my hotel room without finding
out more than just her first name.
Satanic
was an okay flick but definitely not one designed for people my age.
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