"I Didn't Come Here to Die" Movie Review – Volunteer Work Can Be Killer

Runtime: 80 minutes

Release Date: October 2010

Rating: N/A

Director: Bradley Scott Sullivan

Despite having a release date of 2010, "I Didn't Come Here to Die" finally gets a widespread release thanks to the folks at Redbox. I have no idea if this came out in rental stores, but I found a copy listed as a new release at Redbox and grabbed it, not knowing anything about the story.

The film begins with a group of six stereotypical late teens/early twenty somethings headed into the woods. There's the Asshat, who seems more concerned with buying alcohol and checking out the girls than anything else, the Romantic with a girlfriend back home who he can't stop talking to, and the Magician who kind of sticks to himself. The three girls include the Leader who is in charge of everyone, Prissy Pants who wants everyone to follow the rules, and the Drunk.

Each of the six are heading into the woods to do some volunteer work, but they stop at a convenience store. As Leader (all names are mine, not the actual character names) reminds them, this is their last chance to stock up on incidentals and make calls because they plan to spend six weeks in the wilderness and cell phones don't work there.

A few of the group members decide to blow off some steam with a bottle of whiskey, even though Prissy Pants reminds them that alcohol is forbidden. After seeing the group having fun, she decides to join them and have a few too many drinks straight from the bottle. This leads to her grinding on Asshat, until Drunk throws her off and calls her out for having a "mom ass." I believe that she actually describes her as having the ass of a forty-year-old mom. Prissy Pants starts to run off, only to run directly into a tree branch, which causes a branch to jam directly into her eye.

This also interrupts the dirty fun times that Leader and Magician were having in her tent. After running back and seeing what happened, she gathers their things together and heads to the hospital, leaving the four remaining volunteers there and all hell breaks loose.

"I Didn't Come Here to Die" is the type of film that I love: one that I come across on my own and actually enjoy without knowing a single thing about it. I read the plot synopsis and decided to grab it, though after watching some of the early trailers on the DVD, I started to second guess my decision. It actually ended up being a solid little horror film.

The best death is without a doubt Drunk. Facing a severe hangover that leaves her barely functioning, the other volunteers decide that she's the perfect choice to handle a chainsaw. While flinging the saw around in the air, she manages to knock down a tree branch, which drops and sends the chainsaw directly into her skull. That's not even the best part either, because she's STILL alive! No, Romantic decides that he should turn the saw on, to build some traction and pull it out of her head. The scene was a little squeamish and hilarious at the same time.

"I Didn't Come Here to Die" is the perfect example of how to make a horror film on a small budget. It also shows that you can stick a few good actors in the middle of the woods and still make a great flick without needing a bunch of fancy sets or costumed killers running loose. In fact, there isn't even a real killer in the film! It's just a bunch of kids who randomly come across some bad luck. To make things even better, the film has a killer ending that made my group of friends burst out laughing. Check Redbox to find a copy, or ask your local rental place to get a copy in right away.

Pinocchio’s Revenge Movie Review – Why is it Always a Damn Dummy?

Runtime: 96 minutes

Release Date: March 1996

Rating: R

Director: Kevin Tenney

Jennifer is a lawyer working for a man accused of being a serial killer. Not only did he kill multiple people, but he also murdered his own son. His son's body was found, holding a wooden dummy of Pinocchio. Though she believes that the man is innocent, he still winds up on death row. In the mist of all this, she's stuck planning a birthday party for her daughter Zoe.

While heading home from the office, she realizes that she stuck the dummy in her car. Though she plans to take it back the next day, her boyfriend accidentally gives the dummy to her daughter as a birthday present. Naturally, Zoe starts going through a bad time. The school calls because she shoved a classmate, but Zoe claims that Pinocchio did it to protect her. Every time something goes wrong, she blames her toy. Jennifer doesn't believe it at first, but after she sees some footage shot during her daughter's therapy session, she starts wondering if Pinocchio is the real killer.

What the hell is this? This is the type of horror movie that I absolutely love. Give me a "Uncle Sam" or a "Jack Frost" any day of the week and I'm a happy chick. I'm almost sure that I rented this one years ago, but nothing about it seemed even remotely familiar. It's a very low budget film, which will turn off some people, but it's the type of love budget film that I really enjoy.

Zoe is the stereotypical little wimpy girl who gets picked on by her classmates, and Jennifer is the stereotypical single mother who has to work all the time and sticks her kid with a nanny. It's really annoying when films do this because she whines that she never has time to spend with her kid and actually lets her boyfriend plan the little girl's birthday party, but that doesn't stop her from taking time out of her busy schedule to have a little sex with the boyfriend or go out on a date with him.

Sorry for the minor rant, but it's one of those things that drives me crazy about movies. Anyway, "Pinocchio’s Revenge" is pretty much a terrible movie. Zoe starts letting him do whatever he wants, but then she gets the blame for everything. At the same time, you have to wonder if she actually hears the dummy talking to her, or if she just blames him for the things that she does. For example, the boyfriend gets seriously injured and winds up in the hospital. She talks to Pinocchio in her therapist's office, and the doctor later watches the footage, which shows her talking to herself.

Unfortunately, the film never actually delves too much into this theory. Just when I thought it might get interesting, the movie heads right back into expected territory. The mom winds up realizing that it's all about the dummy and that he actually is real, and it's all downhill from there.

"Side Effects" Movie Review: There are Always Side Effects

Runtime: 106 minutes

Release Date: February 8, 2013

Rating: R

Director: Steven Soderbergh

When Dr. Jonathon Banks (Jude Law, "Contagion") warns his patient Emily (Rooney Mara, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo") that her new medication has side effects, she looks him in the eye before telling him that there are always side effects. While this might be a great opening to the film, the scene actually comes towards the middle.

"Side Effects" actually begins with Emily going through the motions of an ordinary day, though for her, it includes a trip to visit her husband (Channing Tatum) in prison. As the film progresses, we learn that the two once had the perfect marriage, complete with a fancy house and a brand new car for her. When he landed in prison for insider training, she was forced to start her life over again on her own.

Once Martin comes home, Emily begins suffering from extreme depression and anxiety. She goes through the motions of having sex with him without really feeling anything, and she has trouble at work. It all comes to a head when Emily drives her car directly into a brick wall. Dr. Banks treats her at the hospital, and he prescribes her medication while offering to treat her in his office.

Emily has trouble on one medication, getting violently sick at work. Banks prescribes different medications for her, but she suffers side effects every time. He finally contacts her former doctor, Victoria Siebert (Catherine Zeta-Jones), who recommends a new drug that she prescribed for similar patients. The drug changes Emily's life. She initiates sex, has a smile on her face, and generally seems happier. The only problem is that she suffers from sleepwalking, wandering through the apartment, cooking, and doing other things while asleep.

Martin suggests she try something new, but she decides to stick with the medication. She also becomes dependent upon Jonathon, much to the annoyance of his wife Deidre (Vinessa Shaw, "The Hills Have Eyes") who has problems of her own. This all leads up to a shocking event that Emily commits while sleepwalking, which test Jonathon and leave him hanging on by a string.

I wanted to see "Side Effects" from the first time that I saw a trailer, but I assumed that it was one of those films I would watch at the cheapo theater or catch on DVD. Cut to Valentine's Day. Since I picked the restaurant, the boyfriend got to pick the movie. I lobbied hard for "Mama," which really means that I kept pointing out that it started later, which would give us time to hit the concession stand. He instead picks this one, and we actually made it through the concession line in ten minutes.

That said, "Side Effects" is one of those films that's hard to describe. I don't want to ruin things by giving away the ending or even the big "shocking twist" in the middle, which makes it hard to even write a review. I will say that I liked it, but it definitely wasn't the movie that I expected. It starts off as a thriller, but then it becomes something of a crime drama, and honestly, it almost seemed like an extended episode of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" at times.

It doesn't help that Soderbergh wants to slam us over the head with his views on prescription medication. Yes, drugs are bad, and yes, many people are over medicated. Oh and yes, there are many side effects associated with those drugs, including sleepwalking. Unfortunately, there are also a large number of people who benefit from taking medication. Soderbergh almost seems to think that no one actually needs prescription medications, and that anyone who takes one will have problems.

In one scene, he shows a woman signing up for a test study. Though the doctor tries to talk to her about it, all she cares about is that she gets her medication for free. All right Soderbergh, we get it. Those little moments were sometimes distracting, and I actually found myself rolling my eyes multiple times. Had he just stuck to the thriller aspect, this could have been a much stronger movie.

Movie Review: "The Apparition"

Runtime: 82 minutes

Release Date: August 24, 2012

Rating: PG-13

Director: Todd Lincoln

Here's a little backstory on my experience with "The Apparition." We went to the drive-in every other week and sometimes once a week last summer. I noticed that this was playing, but given the BF's work schedule, we couldn't make it that weekend. The next weekend, the theater had already replaced it with something else. From what I heard, a lot of people switched sides before this one started, which didn't bode well for my own experience.

Basically, a bunch of people do this random experiment to try and capture real evidence of a ghost. A group of college kids try the same thing, and it ends with one of them dragged into a wall and disappearing. A few years later, Ben (Sebastian Stan, "Captain America") and his girlfriend Kelly (Ashley Greene, "Twilight") live in this newer subdivision that is just begging for occupants. Other than a single dad and his daughter, there is no on else there.

Before long, they notice some weird things going on in the house. Ashley keeps seeing things, the counters have weird unexplained marks, the doors open, and there's disgusting black mold growing underneath the house. Ben also discovers that his good old friend Patrick keeps trying to get in touch with him. By getting in touch with him, I mean obsessively sending emails and text messages and calling every 15 minutes. Ben and Patrick were also two of the students working on that old project, and Ben actually dated the girl who disappeared.

I could go on and on about the plot of the film and what happens, but I honestly don't want to. I was hoping that this movie would be better than I thought and it ended up being worse. My roommate yelled at me for taking it back to the rental place before he had a chance to watch it, but after listening to my description, he was glad he didn't waste the time.

It's sad because it's been a long time since I saw a truly great ghost film. How hard can it be to make a movie about ghosts that actually has a few scares in it? Everything about this one felt predictable. Then again, it does feature the kid who played Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter flicks. If you want to see how he grew up, give "The Apparition" a shot.

Movie Review: "40 Days and 40 Nights"

Runtime: 86 minutes

Release Date: November 27, 2012

Rating: NR

Director: Peter Geiger

John (Alex Carter) and Tessa (Monica Keena, "Dawson's Creek") are two laughable scientists getting ready for the end of the world. If you've seen the John Cusack flick "2012," then you already know what to expect from this one, just on a much smaller budget. See, the government spent a bunch of money to build these massive arks to save certain people when the end of the world comes.

One random government worker lets everyone know that they are "trying" to get their families there in time but there are no guarantees. This leads one worker to call his girlfriend (or is it his sister?) to head for the nearest ark, which is actually like 12 hours away. In the midst of all this, Tessa worries that the world won't survive unless she manages to get the right samples of insects.

This is seriously one of the main stories in the film. When the train carrying the specimens crashes along the way due to a massive storm, she and a soldier go to the train and get as many jars as they can. While all this is going on, John has to somehow get the devices on the arks to start working properly, and naturally, most of the arks start going down before the storm even hits.

It's no surprise that I absolutely love films from The Asylum. I keep writing recaps/reviews of films that I love, even though there are pretty bad. "40 Days and 40 Nights" is one of those flicks that I watched once and will probably never bother with again. I think I would even pass it up if I saw it on late night television. It sure as hell won't stop me from watching the next one that The Asylum points out, but let's hope that next film is better than this one.

“Nightmares in Red, White and Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film”

Runtime: 96 minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: 2009

Director: Andrew Monument

If you're looking for a film that you can kick back and watch with a bowl of popcorn and veg out to, “Nightmares in Red, White and Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film” probably isn't the right choice. This is a pure documentary that traces the roots of the horror film from the early silent films to the modern torture porn generation.

Along the way, some of the top names in the industry pop up to talk about their own films and how they feel about films from other directors. It's definitely interesting to see John Carpenter and George Romero pop up to discuss their thoughts while filming some of the top horror films of past years.

Much of the film focuses on the way that some directors used their films to make a statement on current events at the time. While it works during the 1970s and part of the 1980s, it doesn't always work. Does anyone believe that Eli Roth really cares about how the U.S. looked to other countries, or do we all pretty much get that he just likes making movies where a lot of people do stupid things and wind up dead?

The only thing that I didn't like about this documentary was when it focused on one aspect of a film and ignored others. For example, the film touches on “Night of the Living Dead,” and how it showed clear references to America at the time. It completely ignores the fact that the sole survivor is a black man who winds up dead at the end of the film, which is something I always found interesting. It actually shows that last scene without giving any type of context for it. Sorry if I just spoiled the film for you, but it is decades old now! By the way, a friend of mine who loves horror films just admitted that he had never seen “Night of the Living Dead,” but he waited to tell me that until I was done commenting on the ending.

If you haven't seen “ Nightmares in Red, White and Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film” yet, I highly recommend seeking out a copy. Surprisingly enough, my little tiny rental place had a copy of it in stock (this is a place that typically doesn't have many independent films or older films, and it isn't even a Blockbuster), and I imagine that you can find it pretty easily online.

“Terror Trap” Movie Review

Runtime: 86 minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: 2010

Director: Dan Garcia

Michael Madsen continues his descent into straight to DVD films, but this time, he decided to bring David James Elliott with him. The film starts out with a young hot blond woman driving too fast while talking on her cell phone. The officer who pulls her over, Cleveland (Jeff Fahey, “The Lawnmower Man”) gives her two options: get drug into court or hit the local motel with him.

The film then jumps to Don (Elliott) and his wife Nancy driving down the same road. The two fight over everything from his work to her lack of interest, and the fight doesn't end when a car rams into them before disappearing into the night. Cleveland shows up and offers them a ride to the motel, and while Don wants to take his gun, Nancy convinces him to leave it behind.

After meeting with the creepy clerk and checking into a room, Nancy pitches a fit. There is hair on the soap, the blankets look dirty, and she doesn't even want to sit down. To make matters worse, the people next door make too much noise. Don knocks on the door and talks to the man in the room, only to later discover that the woman in the room is there against her will. It turns out that the hotel makes money by charging guests to watch people attack, rape, and kill women.

Let's get my biggest complaint out of the way first. Don is a former-Marine, and the film continually reminds us that he spent years in the military. When it comes time to actually stand up and fight for his wife, who he supposedly love, he keeps getting his ass kicked. My boyfriend is a former Marine, who has been out several years, and he wouldn't get his ass kicked by a fat trucker. In fact, at several points in this movie, he pointed out what they are trained to do and how it differs from what Don does.

Then there's the fact that “Terror Trap” is basically a rip-off of “Vacancy.” I kind of understand where it comes from though, because I've watched multiple horror movies over the years and thought that I could do a better job with a cell phone camera and my friends. That doesn't mean that I rush right out and do it though.

That's not to say that the whole movie stinks because it doesn't stink. Madsen does his lazy eyed acting in the few scenes that he turns up in, and no one does it better. Fahey has sank so low in his career that it's kind of nice to see him amp things up a little to play a slightly crazy guy who gets off on watching women get murdered. All in all, it wasn't terrible, but it sure wasn't the greatest.