Krampus – Not a Christmas Classic

Runtime: 98 minutes

Release Date: December 4, 2015

Rating: PG-13

Director: Michael Dougherty

Max is a young boy getting ready to celebrate Christmas with his mom, dad, older sister, grandmother, aunt, uncle, and cousins. His parents are fairly well off, which means that his mom cares more about how they look to others than anyone else. His dad's mom is the only one who seems to put his interests first. That becomes abundantly clear when the rest of their family arrives in town. His cousins treat him like crap and make fun of him for still believing in Santa, especially after they find the letter he wrote the jolly guy. Max gets so upset that he rips the letter into pieces and runs off to cry.

When the group wakes the next day, they discover a literal blizzard outside. The power goes out, leaving them to spend much of the day huddled around the fire and wondering what happened. Only Omi, Max's grandmother, is calm, which may be because she's the only one who knows what actually happened. When his sister goes to check on her boyfriend, she comes face to face with an evil demon named Krampus who murders her on the street.

Though his father Tom and uncle Howard go out looking for his sister, all they find is strange stuff. They discover a plow truck stuck in the middle of the street and what looks like a gas explosion in a neighboring house. By the time they get back to the house to talk about what they see and to explain how Howard ended up with a major bite on his leg, Omi finally tells them that they're dealing with Krampus. As a young girl, she came face to face with the demon herself after giving up on the Christmas spirit. When Max gave up too, Krampus and his minions came to their neighborhood. As time goes by, it suddenly seems like there may not be hope for any of them.

After watching the straight to DVD Krampus film that came out last year, I figured the real version had to be a lot better. While it was better, it wasn't actually better by much. I'm not sure what it is about Krampus. It has some cute moments, some heart, some scary moments and jump scenes, and the type of family scenes that make you grateful for the family that you have. I think that it actually felt like it tried too hard. It almost seemed like the director and writers wanted to appeal to every type of horror movie fan, which resulted in them shoving so much into the story that it came across as forced.

Does that mean it was a terrible movie? Not at all. How can you not like a movie that features gingerbread men coming to live and trying to attack people, especially when they have a nail gun on their side? Those gingerbread men were much better than the one used in The Gingerdead Man movies. Those tiny little guys were easily the highlight of the film. With the exception of those little guys, Krampus just felt bland. The horror elements weren't horror-y enough, and the comedy moments weren't funny enough. As much as I would love to see a great horror movie for the holidays, Krampus wasn't it.

Instead of watching Krampus next year, I think I'll pop in my Blu-Ray copy of Silent Night, Deadly Night.

Christmas Icetastrophe TV Movie Review – The Cold is A Coming

Runtime: 86 minutes

Release Date: December 20, 2014

Rating: NR

Director: Jonathon Winfrey

Anyone who ever visited or read my blog in the past knows that I have a soft spot in my heart for bad disaster movies. That is exactly why I grabbed Icetastrophe, also known as Christmas Icetastrophe, the first time I saw it in Family Video.

Charlie (Victor Webster) is a man living in a small town when disaster strikes. The sky suddenly opens up and releases a torrent of ice and snow on the town. What actually happens, according to the film anyway, is that a meteor somehow causes a major atmospheric change on earth. A piece of the meteor breaks away and hits just outside of town. This causes the temperature to drop and wreaks havoc on Charlie's town.

There are tons of other stories going on in the same film. Charlie's son goes crazy after finding out that his rich girlfriend is lost in the cold with her brother, so he goes off to chase her down. Charlie's wife is stuck in the community center with the girl's mother and trying to find out what happened to both their kids. Oh, and the girl's father is more concerned with saving himself than dealing with anything else. There's also a grad student from a nearby university who shows up in town and asks Charlie to help her find the meteor.

Icetastrophe is really pretty bad and not necessarily bad in a good way. Having just finished Continuum on Netflix, I kept seeing people in this movie, wondering what I knew them from, and looking them up to see that there were on Continuum. I really think that the producers of that show had some extra cash leftover and decided to just use some of the cast to make a bad TV movie.

Of all the cheesy scenes in the movie, the cheesiest involves Charlie and the grad student. The two are in the midst of running away from the freeze, which is apparently taking over the entire town, when they get to a lake. They hop on a boat, speed across the lake, and look back to see the lake freezing behind them. It definitely gives new meaning to the term cold front.

Webster is probably better in this movie than he is in other stuff. I still remember him from his time on the soap opera Days of Our Lives, which I think every girl in my college dormitory watched, but he has a tendency to either be good or be really wooden. He's actually a little stronger in this movie than he is in other roles, though still not as good as he is on Continuum. The rest of the actors in the movie are just kind of there. I can't really highlight any one specific person because most are generally forgettable.

Icetastrophe, also known as Christmas Icetastrophe when it first aired, isn't nearly as much fun as I imagined it might be. It's just another one of those television movies that I watch once and promptly forget about.

Jack Frost Movie Review - “It ain't Fucking Frosty!”

Runtime: 89 minutes

Release Date: November 18, 1997

Rating: R

Director: Michael Cooney

Once upon a time in a not so far away land, I lived in my parents' house with my older brother. As we both loved horror movies, we would often head to Blockbuster to surprise each other with bad horror movies and watch them together. Jack Frost is one of the movies that I remember watching with him, but watching it now, I'm not entirely sure how we ever got through it!

I could give you a whole big plot synopsis, but do you really need one? Jack Frost, who had the poor misfortune of actually growing up with that name, killed multiple people before a small town sheriff captured him. Cut to police later transporting him to another prison for his execution because I guess they somehow let a serial killer roam free at a minimum security prison or something. While on the way, a truck filled with toxic acid hits them. Jack winds up getting hit full on with the toxic waste, which leads to him melting away into the snow. He then comes back as a living snowman to murder anyone who gets in his way.

With a plot like that, how could this movie ever be bad? Toss in Shannon Elizabeth in one of her first movie roles as a stereotypical dumb hot girl, and this movie should be gold. Did I mention that the sheriff who captured Jack is now living in the same town and has a daughter? Seriously, this should be cheesy gold. Note how I kept using the word should?

There are a few moments in the movie worth mentioning. At one point, Jack somehow manages to wed his massive snowman body into a police car, which results in him running through the streets of town in the car. Sadly, he only gets to mow down one person. I'd love to see him chasing people Twisted Metal style through the streets.

We also get a great scene with Shannon Elizabeth. While lounging her slutty self in the tub, she feels something in the water with her and naturally assumes that it's her boyfriend, so she encourages him to keep going. Just as she's really getting into it, she finally opens her eyes and sees Jack Frost. Before he kills her, he finishes what he started. Hey! The guy was in minimum security prison for like two whole hours, what did you expect him to do?

There are also a few funny moments with the sheriff and his crew trying to hunt Jack down and kill him. You would think killing a snowman would be easy but apparently not. They try shooting him, which is probably how they take down other serial killers, but it just goes right through him. The best is when they decide to just melt him with a bunch of hairdryers. I guess they couldn't find heaters in a town filled with snow.

Sigh. I think this is a case of seeing a movie years ago and thinking it was all in good cheesy fun only to later find that it's just awful. Watching Jack Frost now makes we wonder how that horrible movie Uncle Sam will hold up...

“Silent Night” Movie Review

Runtime: 94 minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: November 30, 2012

Director: Steven C. Miller

“Silent Night” opens with a young man strapped to a chair with Christmas lights and a murderous Santa standing nearby. As he begs the man to let him go, we quickly learn that he was having an affair with a married woman and that Santa does not like cheaters. Once he electrocutes the man, which leads to his eyeballs popping out, I quickly get over my crush on Brendan Fehr (“Christina's House”) and Santa moves on to his next victim.

Sheriff James Cooper (Malcolm McDowell, “Halloween”) hates everything about his small town, which hosts a massive Christmas celebration. His deputy Audrey (Jaime King, “My Bloody Valentine”) lost her husband a year ago and isn't too happy about celebrating, but she frequently gets annoyed when the sheriff takes over for her. He's just excited that he finally gets to do something.

Since the town hosts one of the biggest Santa costume contests in the world, our killer gets to roam around town and no one takes a second look. Audrey and Cooper discover that Santa is killing people who made his naughty list, and they target Jim Epstein (Donal Logue, “Shark Night”), a traveling Santa who delights in telling kids the truth. Despite bringing him in for questioning, the real Santa is still out there.

I was one of those annoying people who got up in arms when they announced plans to remake “Silent Night, Deadly Night.” Luckily, this film has almost nothing in common with the original. Is it the worst horror movie ever made? No. Is it the best horror film ever made? Not at all.

While it isn't a fantastic movie, it's far better than some of the other remakes that we've seen in recent years. The top star of the film, no matter what the poster says, is Logue. I have loved him since “The Tao of Steve” and “Grounded for Life,” and I love him even more after “Silent Night.” He only appears in a few scenes, but those scenes are worth every penny. When he told one kid that he would bring him everything on his list and if they weren't there on Christmas Day, it meant that his parents sold the gifts on eBay, I almost bust a gut.

Then there are the kill scenes, which are much better than most horror movies. One particularly bratty tween tells her mother, “fuck Christmas,” which leads to Santa pulling a hammer from his bag of treats. Then there's the naked woman tossed in a wood chipper and the daughter of the mayor and her boyfriend who Santa interrupts in the bedroom.

My main problem in the film is King. I know that some people really like her, but I find her a pretty terrible actress. She almost always has a vacant look in her eyes, and when she needs to take a stand, it seems unbelievable. McDowell is far better, playing every scene like he's in an Oscar-nominated movie. One of my favorite movie lines is now, “don't put avocado on the burger,” which is why he tells Audrey when explaining that the simplest explanation is usually the best. “Silent Night” probably won't make any top 10 lists at the end of the year, but it might just become one of those films I pull out during the holidays.