Martyrs Remake – Completely Unnecessary

Length: 86 minutes

Release Date: January 22, 2016

Rating: NR

Director: Kevin and Michael Goetz

Martyrs opens with Lucie, a young girl who escapes from an unnamed person and runs for help. The police follow her directions back to a warehouse but find no evidence of anyone there. Lucie then goes to a Catholic orphanage and eventually becomes friends with Anna. Anna is the one she turns to after having a series of nightmares about what she saw during her ordeal. The police later bring in Anna and reveal that they believe Lucie made up the whole thing.

Years later, Lucie is a young woman with a mission. She knocks on the door of a seemingly normal house and blows away the man who answers with a shotgun. Lucie then shoots his wife, asks his son if he knows what they did to him, and kills him too before chasing the man's teenage daughter upstairs and killing her too. Once done, she calls Anna, tells her that she found them, and confesses what she did.

Anna quickly rushes to the house. Though Lucie told her that she found the people who did something bad to her, she thought they would go the police together. What she finds instead are a series of dead bodies that Lucie asks her to help get rid of to make “her” finally stop. Anna discovers that the wife is still alive and tries to help her escape, but Lucie catches them and brutally murders the woman. 

Though Anna doesn't necessarily believe the whole story, she's forced to change her mind after uncovering a hidden series of rooms behind a locked door in the basement. Not only does she find a series of locked rooms, but she also finds a young woman with a similar story to Lucie. Though she promises to help the little girl escape, things change when Eleanor arrives with a group of men who drag the girls back inside. After revealing that Lucie was their martyr years ago, she tells Anna that they want to find someone who will tell them what life is like on the other side. As they begin experimenting on both women, Anna discovers that her friend was telling the truth all along.

When I saw the original Martyrs, I spent most of the movie trying not to look at the screen and squirming because it was so disgusting and disturbing. When we sat down to watch the remake, I warned the boyfriend of that film. Needless to say, neither of us found many scenes in the Martyrs remake very disturbing.

It literally felt like someone tool the original script, decided to dumb it down, took out everything that made that film so unsettling, and then made a remake. That scene where the doctor skins her alive? Yup, it's now a small section of her back removed. Oh, and remember how Lucie kills herself in the original because she can't take her life anymore? Now she survives to the very end with Anna, and the only weird thing that happens to Anna is that they give her electroshock.

This movie was an insult to the original and a movie that didn't need made. It was so different and completely unlike the original that I actually expected to see the cops swoop in, shoot everyone, and save the day in the last scene. Do yourself a favor, skip this one and watch the original.

 

The Town That Dreaded Sundown – Damn You, Leonard!

Runtime: 86 minutes
Release Date: October 17, 2014
Rating: R
Director: Alfonso Gomez-Rejon


Jami and Corey are two hot kids at the local drive-in to see The Town That Dreaded Sundown, which in a meta twist was based on an actual series of murders that happened in their town. After making it clear that she isn't into horror movies, he drives her out to the old lovers lane. Before they can get too far into it, a man in a sack mask who looks just like the original killer, shows up. He drags them both out of the car, makes Jami turn away, and kills Corey. She runs into the woods, and while he finds her, he lets her go after giving her a warning to pass on.


A few days pass before the killer strikes again. It's just enough time for Corey's funeral and for her grandmother to deny that she remembers the original murders. It's also enough time for Jami to start her own investigation. The killer next targets a young woman and her military boyfriend home on leave. After decapitating the boyfriend and slamming his head against the hotel room window, he chases her outside and brutally kills her in her own car. The killer continues on his spree all the while coming back to urge Jami to make others remember what happened in the past.


The Town That Dreaded Sundown is a movie that I actually enjoyed. I love that they did the meta thing. Not only do they set it up that this was the town where the original was filmed, but they also keep showing scenes from the original and harkening back to the original. I think I squealed when the killer brought out the trombone for one scene, but the friends I watched it with had no clue what was going on. I also liked seeing Dennis O'Hare. He's been so good in the past seasons of American Horror Story, especially the first season, that I loved seeing him here. He plays the son of the original director and is just the perfect character. He's a little strange, suspicious, and kind of loveable all at the same time.


Speaking of people I loved seeing, this movie was a who is who. Addison Timlin, who was so great as Stormy in Odd Thomas, plays Jami. Gary Cole pops up as the chief of the small town police department and has one of the most memorable scenes in the entire film. I don't want to give it away, but something a little unusual happens while he's getting a blow job. Edward Herrmann, who I admittedly only know as the grandfather on Gilmore Girls, turns up as the local pastor who thinks the killer came back because the town is full of sin. We even get Anthony Anderson as a Texas Ranger who rolls into town to solve the mystery. Did I mention Josh Leonard from The Blair Witch Project is in it too? It's nice to see him in a horror movie rather than that piece of crap If I Stay I was forced to sit through a few months ago.


The Town That Dreaded Sundown is my favorite horror movie of the month and maybe the last few months. The acting was good, and it had some great death scenes too. There's the two young gay men who get attacked before they get to their good stuff, a body left chopped into pieces on the railroad tracks, and a poor little old lady stabbed/slashed in the throat. What more could you ask for?

The Fog – What kind of fog moves against the wind?

Runtime: 100 minutes
Release Date: October 14, 2005
Rating: PG-13
Director: Rupert Wainwright


In 1871, William Blake desperately needed a new home for his people, all of whom were lepers, including his beautiful and much younger wife Elizabeth. After meeting some people living on an island off the coast of Oregon, he agreed to buy half their land and move his people there. The people then showed up, stole all of his money, and set his boat on fire, leaving him and his family and friends to die. Blake then cursed the people who killed him.


Nearly one hundred years later, the residents of the island prepare for the upcoming anniversary with a new statue devoted to its founders, the same people who killed the boat. Nick and his friends accidentally disrupt some artifacts while on their boat, which leads the ghosts of the murdered to come back to life.


This problem doesn't phase him given that his ex-girlfriend Elizabeth recently arrived back in town. Elizabeth receives a pocket watch from a creepy guy not long after arriving, and when she looks at the watch, she notices that weird things start happening. Nick also has to deal with Stevie, the radio show host he recently had a fling with, even though he supposedly remains devoted to his ex. After a mysterious fog descends over the town, everyone needs to come together to survive the night.


Pro tip: Do not watch The Fog remake with someone who is a big fan of the original. Not only do I think this movie is okay, but I actually own a copy. Unfortunately, that copy is somehow lost, so I decided to give it a go on Netflix one night. That led to my roommate sitting down next to me and constantly pointing out how things happened in the original while making it clear that the original is much better.


Confession time: I have only seen the original version of The Fog once and I pretty much don't remember anything about it. Ask me about this movie, and I can tell you character names, plot points, and other random facts.


The best and worst thing about this movie is the acting. Selma Blair is perfect as Stevie, and I actually just read that she was the original choice for the role but almost lost out on it. She does a good job of portraying a single mother and strong woman, though I do have a hard time believing that she would have a one night stand with someone like Tom Welling.


Speaking of Welling, did he even bother acting in this flick? It plays like some random universe where Clark Kent accidentally landed on a random island instead of Smallville. It probably doesn't help that he has absolutely no chemistry with Maggie Grace. Grace plays Elizabeth just like she does every role in her career, from the vapid and annoying chick on Lost to the vapid and annoying daughter in the Taken films. It's hard to believe that one man would fall in love with the character let alone two.


Though I liked The Fog the first few times I saw it, the last time was not the charm. I finally saw why the movie got such bad reviews when it first came out and why so many people still like it today. It's just a fairly forgettable horror flick that came out during the mass produced PG-13 horror movie days.

Carrie (2013) Movie Review – "The Other Kids, They Think I'm Weird."

Runtime: 100 minutes
Release Date: October 18, 2013
Rating: R
Director: Kimberly Peirce


Margaret is one hot mess, especially when she finds herself giving birth at home. Grabbing a pair of scissors, she starts to kill her new baby before changing her mind. Years later, Carrie is a grown woman who most guys would find hot, but since this is a Hollywood film, everyone finds her weird. After starting her period after gym class, she thinks that she's dying because her mother never took the time to tell her about puberty. The other girls laugh and taunt her, throwing tampons and pads at her and chanting at her to "plug it up."


Ms. Desjardin, her gym teacher, stops the girls, but not before one, Chris, films it with her cell phone camera. During a meeting at the principal's office, we learn that Margaret home-schooled Carrie for several years before the district forced her to send her daughter to school. The principal eventually suspends Chris and another girl Sue, which means that they'll miss the high school prom. Though Sue is okay with missing prom because she realizes that it was wrong for them to tease Carrie, Chris vows revenge. She gets Billy and a few of her other classmates to help her get back at her in the middle of prom.


Sue feels so bad that she convinces her boyfriend Tommy to take Carrie to the prom. Though Carrie initially turns him down, she later changes her mind and even goes against her mother's wishes to sew her own prom dress. Once prom night arrives, Chris arranges for her and Tommy to win prom king and queen. As they stand on stage, she and Billy dump a bucket of pig's blood on the girl. Carrie snaps and all hell breaks loose.


I could probably write an entire blog post about the things I didn't like about the Carrie remake, but let's start with the casting of Chloe Grace Moretz. By the time Kick Ass 2 came around, she had already lost that gangly awkward teenage girl look that she had. Even though she's still a teenager, she looks like the type of girl every guy in her high school would want to ask to prom. Watching her trying to be awkward and unlikeable in this film just felt...awkward.


It doesn't help that the movie felt like it skipped over much of the teasing and taunting that Carrie went through. The original "plug it up" scene upset one of my friends in junior high so bad that she got up, left the room, and refused to watch the rest of the movie. With Chris standing in the background and waving her cell phone around in the air, the scene ended up feeling forced and unrealistic. It didn't seem like they disliked her as much as they did in the original or that she went through as much. It was more like two scenes of ridicule and then, boom, it's prom night.


As much as I love Julianne Moore in pretty much everything she does, she almost felt like an afterthought in this movie. I had high hopes for her, which increased after seeing the opening scene. By the time the credits rolled, it felt like she could have been just about anyone. Piper Laurie was so dark and twisted in the original film that it's hard to imagine anyone else in the role. Hell, Patricia Clarkson managed to nail the role in the 2002 remake. In this version, it almost seems like Margaret didn't need to be there. Had they left the role out completely, I'm not sure I would have even noticed.


So, was there anything I did like about the movie? Yes, and that one good thing is Judy Greer. Greer, who I always think about as Kitty from Arrested Development, can handle comic roles effortlessly, but it was nice to see her in something a little more dramatic. That didn't stop me from wishing she would crack a joke or add some comedic relief, but I still liked her as the gym teacher and one of the only few people who truly cared about Carrie.


After watching the Carrie remake with a friend, we both turned to each other and shrugged. The movie wasn't horrible, but it doesn't hold a candle to the original. It's sad that some younger people will probably see this one and never even bother with the original.

"Evil Dead" Movie Review – Everything's Gonna Be Fine!

Runtime: 91 minutes

Release Date: April 5, 2013

Rating: R

Director: Fede Alvarez

"Evil Dead" opens with a bunch of random strangers in the basement of a cabin. When a father realizes that his daughter is possessed, he shoots her with a shotgun. It then jumps to Mia, a recovering drug addict, and her friends. Her brother David, his girlfriend Natalie, and their friends Olivia (Jessica Lucas, "The Covenant") and Eric all want her to get better, and they plan on spending the weekend there, in the hopes that she'll get over her addiction.

Eric finds the Book of the Dead and reads from it, releasing the evil surrounding the woods. After an argument, Mia storms from the house, steals a car, crashes it, and finds herself possessed by a demon. She then vomits on Olivia, turning her crazy, and they lock her in the cellar to recover. As things spiral out of control, her friends realize that it isn't just a case of delusions or her addictions taking control of her.

The original "Evil Dead" film didn't need a subplot to explain why a group of friends decided to go to an old cabin in the woods. They were there to party and that was it. With the remake of "Evil Dead," they feel the need to explain that Mia is an addict. I hate to say it, but that's probably where they lost me. I find it impossible to root for a drug addict in any film, and that's pretty much what the writer and director want us to do here.

That's not to say that I didn't dislike the film because it had its moments. It definitely increases the grossness factor of the original. Someone gets stabbed multiple times in the face with a needle, a man beats a woman with part of a sink, and someone rips off their own arm when it gets stuck under a car. There were definitely a few moments in the film when I either pulled a face or actually said something out loud.

My main issue is that it didn't have the campy factor of the original. I love 1980's horror films, and the "Evil Dead" franchise is one of my favorites. This film was just too dark and serious. I know that sounds bad because horror fans want dark films, but it just felt like something was lacking. I know it had a lot of fans, but I can't say I'm one of them.

Prom Night Movie Review – A Night to Die For

Runtime: 88 minutes

Release Date: April 11, 2008

Rating: PG-13

Director: Nelson McCormick

Donna (Brittney Snow) is a typical high school student who comes home to find most of her family dead. After hiding under her bed, she sees her teacher, Mr. Fenton (Jonathon Schaech, "Dark Circles"), murder her mother. The police manage to catch him, and he winds up in a mental institution.

Three years later, Donna is in high school, living with her aunt and uncle, and getting ready for her high school prom. Her best friends help her get ready for the big night, but she keeps thinking that she sees Fenton around town. When she leaves for her prom, she doesn't know that Fenton actually escaped and is staying in a room in the same hotel. Fenton starts working his way through the crowds, eliminating her friends and everyone he thinks is competition while a detective is hot on his trail.

I cannot believe how much hate the remake of "Prom Night" gets! I have actually heard people say it's not as good as the original. Are you kidding me? Have you seen the original lately? All I have to do is think about that dance scene, and I'm done. I think some of the hate relies on the fact that it was yet another PG-13 horror movie that came out marketed towards teens in the middle of 957 billion other PG-13 horror movies marketed towards teens.

I don't have a problem with "Prom Night," and I even like it. My big problem is with the casting of Schaech. This is a man who is so attractive that he married Christina Applegate, and yet we're supposed to believe that he scared a teenage girl so much that she had a restraining order against him. With the way teens are today, she'd be more likely to have sex with him in his car than cry about how he was stalking her.

The PG-13 rating does get to me because it limits how much action we see. We get a lot of shots of Schaech looking menacing, someone screaming, and the a cut to people dancing. I highly recommend the unrated version, which has a little more action and gore. If you only ever watched the version that played in theaters, track down a copy of the unrated "Prom Night."