Movie Review: Sweet Home – Don't Go In Old Apartment Buildings

Runtime: 80 minutes

Release Date: May 8, 2015

Rating: NR?

Director: Rafa Martinez

Alicia works for the Spanish government as some type of housing inspector. She's tasked with visiting with an old and deciding if the building he lives in is safe or should be condemned. While checking out the building, she finds an almost hidden apartment. The man tells her that a couple started constructing the apartment and got shut down for doing it illegally. Though the building is safe to live in, she warns him that the owner wants him out and that it might be best to just move.

Finding that hidden apartment turns out to be a stroke of luck. She and her boyfriend Simon want to celebrate their anniversary but agreed to not spend a lot of money. After meeting with him later that night, she takes him to the hidden apartment and tells him that it's their chance to get away and have a romantic time together without worrying about money. Their chance at romance quickly fades as a group of bloodthirsty serial killers quickly descends on them in the middle of the night with the goal of killing them both.

Let's just get this out of the way right now, I didn't like Sweet Home. It started out fine, then started dragging, and by the time it got to the action, I didn't really care. I'm fine with films that start out slow and slowly build up to the action, but this one felt like it just took too long to get going. At one point, I checked the time and it was already 30 minutes into the movie and nothing had really happened. It's also a fairly ridiculous idea for a movie. I don't know about you readers out there, but if my significant other took me to an almost abandoned building for a romantic rendezvous, I think I would just leave. It's also hard to believe that this place could have running water or even electricity.

Despite the first half going so slow, the second half really amped up the action. Once we finally learned about the people in the building and found out that they were following the couple, the story got a lot more interesting. One of the more disturbing scenes came when one character – I won't name any names – dies after being thrown over the side of a staircase and falling several stories. Though you will need to suspend your disbelief when that character manages to stay along for like an hour after that just to pass something along to another character. As gruesome as the original scene was, I had to roll my eyes at that point.

While Sweet Home is a foreign flick, it's Spanish, it only has a few subtitles. Alicia talks to a few people in Spanish, but most of the film uses English. If you're like me and tend to do other things while watching flicks, you'll find that helpful.

Despite having an interesting story surrounding killers stalking a couple trapped in a building, Sweet Home isn't one I would recommend.

The Pack Movie Review – Wild Dogs are Bad

Runtime: 90 minutes

Release Date: February 5, 2016

Rating: NR

Director: Nick Robertson

The Pack opens up with a scene of a man in the rural outback checking out noises in his barn. When his wife finds that he left a cigarette behind before disappearing, she goes to check on him. A wild dog jumps out of the barn and attacks her.

We then meet the Wilson family. Adam is a farmer in the outback while his wife, Carla, works as a veterinarian. They also have a young son named Henry and a teenage daughter named Sophie. Sophie hates living in the middle of nowhere, especially since her parents will no longer let her make expensive long distance calls to her friends. Adam discovers that something killed several sheep the night before.

This is important because the family has some serious money problems. A manager from the bank comes by to tell them that there are once again behind on their payments and that the bank plans to foreclose. Though Carla swears that they will soon have more money coming in, he just laughs and points out that it won't be enough to save them. On the way back to town, he stops long enough to pee and gets attacked by a wild dog.

When the power goes out that night, Adam heads outside to start the generator. He sees a wild dog in the woods and runs back to the house, but the dogs throws itself repeatedly at the door in an attempt to break it down. Carla rushes in and manages to call the police, though she can't get out much before she accidentally rips the phone cord out of the wall. When the police arrive and also get attacked by the dogs, they realize that they either need to find a way to escape or find a way to survive the night before more help can come.

The Pack is one of those films that you come across and assume will be terrible but then it surprises you. I thought it would play like that terrible USA film they always played in the 90s about killer dogs, but it was actually pretty damn good. Sophie is the only unlikable character, but that's only because she plays a realistic teenager. She hates living in the middle of nowhere, misses her friends, and willingly wishes that the bank would foreclose so they can move.

Adam is something of a superman. Not only does he manage to get outside and get to his truck to help his family escape, but he manages to survive despite being bit and attacked multiple times by dogs. The character of Carla is pretty realistic too because she puts the well being of her kids above all else and is willing to do anything to protect them.

Reading the synopsis on Netflix might make you think that The Pack is just a glorified television film, but it's far better than that. The Pack is a tight little thriller about one family's survival that might make you think twice the next time you hear something outside...

Sacrifice Movie Review – Like a Lifetime Flick

Runtime: 91 minutes

Release Date: April 29, 2016

Rating: NR?

Director: Peter A. Dowling

Tora is an obstetrician, which makes it sad that she cannot have a child of her own. Though she and her husband, Duncan, tried multiple times in the past, it always ended in a miscarriage. In the hopes of escaping their old life, they move to a remote island off the coast of Scotland to start over again. Duncan hopes that a change of scenery will make her finally give up on her dreams of having a child.

While walking around the island and checking out the land near their home, Tora literally stumbles across a dead body. The woman, who gave birth not long before her death, has a massive wound in her chest and runes carved all over her skin. She learns that the woman's DNA matches that of a local woman who died of cancer and was cremated, which doesn't make sense. The locals urge her to drop it and just walk away, but Tora wants to learn more.

After doing some research, she discovers that there was a cult that once existed on the island. Members sacrificed the mothers who gave birth to enhance their ranks. When she attempts to talk with others about what she uncovered, they tell her that it's just an urban legend. Tora eventually discovers that there is more to the legend and that people she knows and cares about may have a connection to the mystery.

The trailer for Sacrifice made it look like a fantastic thriller. The first time I saw it, I even restarted it and made my boyfriend watch it because it looked so good. That trailer made it seem like this was a film about a woman who uncovers some deep mystery and keeps finding dead bodies all over an island until she learns the truth. It almost looked like a modern version of Jessica Fletcher on vacation or something. The actual film paled in comparison to the trailer.

Radha Mitchell (Silent Hill) does what she can with the role as Tora, but she doesn't have a whole lot to work with. We don't learn what motivates her, why she would agree to move to the middle of nowhere, or why the hell she continues to work with pregnant woman despite saying multiple times that she feels devastated by the fact that she can't have a child of her own. It also takes way too long before they even discuss the topic of adoption.

By the time she discovers what connection her husband has to the mystery of the island, you expect her to feel angry and infuriated, but she really doesn't react much. While she's clearly angry and upset, she comes across as cool and uncaring. I'm not sure if that's the way the character was written or just her acting. Most of the other actors demonstrated the same traits.

The problem with Sacrifice is that it plays like a Lifetime movie. Most of the actors just sleepwalk through the film, and it doesn't have the twists that you might expect. The story is way too linear and puts things together in a way that lets you work out the story well before the end. If I wanted to watch a Lifetime film, I'd watch a Lifetime film and not Sacrifice.

13 Cameras Movie Review – Lots of Hidden Cameras in the World!

Runtime: 87 minutes

Release Date: April 15, 2016

Rating: NR?

Director: Victor Zarcoff

Depending on how and where you watch 13 Cameras, you might also know it as Slumlord or apparently Landlord/The Landlord.

13 Cameras opens with a few notes about the number of hidden cameras out there in the wold today and how many people are recorded daily before introducing us to our main characters. Claire and Ryan are newlyweds who just moved across the country for Ryan's new job. While he goes to work, she stays home to get things ready for their new baby and to spend some time just being pregnant. They rent their new home from Gerald, one of the creepiest men I've ever seen before in my life. He's the type of guy you could probably smell before you saw.

As you might guess from the name of the film, Gerald placed a series of hidden cameras all around the house. No one but him knows that they are there, but even without knowing that, Claire isn't exactly comfortable having him around. Not only does she find him creepy, but she doesn't like how he always seems to know what's going on. To make things worse, when they need help around the house, he only seems to have time in his schedule when Ryan is gone.

And, Ryan is gone quite a bit. Despite having a heavily pregnant wife at home and having just moved to a brand new city, he manages to find a woman with an interest in him. Hannah works in his office and has no problem starting an affair with a man who has a pregnant wife at home. What a keeper! They totally deserve each other. Ryan claims that he needs Hannah because she can fulfill the needs that Claire cannot. He somehow thinks that he can juggle both women and then dump Hannah later without Claire finding out. That becomes less realistic when Hannah starts showing up all the time, making demands, and even threatening to tell his wife. Gerald loves all this because it gives him more chances to masturbate.

I'm not even joking about that last part. He literally uses the CCTV footage as a masturbation aid while chilling at home. As 13 Cameras progresses, Claire grows more paranoid about Ryan spending time with a hot girl, Ryan begins worrying about the future, and Gerald amps up his creeper appeal.

13 Cameras is great because it doesn't give us a lot of information about Gerald. Other films like this might tell us about how he killed women in the past or how his mom beat him/worked as a hooker, but this one leaves us to decide why he would do this and why he would do what he does at the end on our own. The actor really gets into the role and will terrify you way more than someone in a mask would.

And yes, the relationship drama is a little much at times. Ryan is an extremely unlikable character, especially once you learn about his affair and after he explains why he started it. You completely feel for Claire and are on her side, especially when she learns about it and decides to throw him out. That relationship drama really does add to the story though and explains why Gerald finds them all so fascinating. While I may not give it two thumbs up, 13 Cameras was fairly entertaining.

Movie Review: Invoked

Runtime: 85 minutes

Release Date: September 5, 2016

Rating: NR?

Director: Humberto Rosa and Thairon Mendes

I'll be upfront about my review on this one. I don't know how much I can write because it didn't hold my attention and I wound up playing a game on my phone for most of it.

Invoked opens with a series of title cards to tell us that everything we see actually happened. A group of young people visiting an island in Ireland mysteriously went missing, but they just so happened to have cameras with them to capture everything that happened. It's up to us to decide the fate of the group and to determine what actually happened to them.

If you're looking for more of a synopsis, you need to look elsewhere. That it almost the only thing I know about the movie because it didn't take long after those title cards to lose my interest. We meet a bunch of characters who are the stereotypical people you see in horror movies like the couple who just love each other so much, the prankster who loves playing jokes, and the guy who comes across as a total douche canoe. They go to the island, start playing games with each other, and weird stuff starts happening.

Unfortunately, it takes way, way, way too much time to get going. I felt like I spent more time listening to the characters bicker and argue or talk about random shit before anything happened. I tried really hard to pay attention, but it felt like there was nothing to pay attention too. When I watch a horror movie, I expect the horror to start early on. This one left me wondering if it was a horror movie or a movie about some friends on vacation.

One of the other reviews I read said that the action didn't start until 45 minutes in, which seems about right. That means that over half of the movie has nothing to do with moving the story forward. We get scenes of the characters on a boat, in a vehicle, them talking about what they'll do on the trip, them reminiscing about stuff that happened in the past, and of course, them having sex. Nothing says horrifying like two young people having the sex!

It doesn't help that this is the type of found footage movie I dislike. I understand that there is a big difference between found footage films that look realistic and those that look too slick. Hell, I've called out films for looking too produced, but this one is possibly a little too realistic. The scenes are so dark and so gritty that it looks like they shot on cameras from the 1980s. Even my cell phone camera could shoot brighter footage than this film has. That makes it hard to see what's happening, especially when characters start screaming and running away, which makes the film even darker and more jumpy.

Though I have a fondness for bad horror films and a special place in my heart for low budget flicks, Invoked wasn't my cup of tea. If you make a horror movie with a run time of 90 minutes or less, you shouldn't spend half of the movie or longer just getting to the horror elements!

Killer Mermaid AKA Nymph

Runtime: 94 minutes

Release Date: August 24, 2014

Rating: R

Director: Milan Todorovic

Kelly is a journalist who is so busy that she never takes time for herself until her best friend and former college roommate Lucy convinces her to take a vacation. They had to a tiny Mediterranean island to meet Niko, who was Lucy's big love in college and Kelly's best friend. Not long after arriving, they find that Niko now has a girlfriend. After an awkward night of them all dancing together, Niko gets Lucy alone and has sex with her before basically pretending that it never happened.

That same day, they decide to take a boat trip together and get a little too close to an island that no one really talks about. They also meet one of Niko's friends, who clearly has the hots for Kelly but may want Lucy too. Frankly, the backstory isn't that interesting once you get past Lucy and Niko. Let's just say that a killer mermaid starts attacking and killing people. Except that I can't really say that because she's not a killer mermaid.

See, the killer mermaid in this story is actually a siren. She lures men, and sometimes women, in with the sound of her beautiful singing. It's not until they get up close to her that they realize she's actually some ugly monster that kind of looks like seal or maybe a walrus. We keep hearing over and over again that she's a mermaid when she's not a mermaid. It makes sense that other countries called this Nymph, but whoever decided to name it Killer Mermaid here just wanted to lure people in with the title. It bothered me, but man, did it ever bother my roommate. If you bring up this movie or he even sees it, he'll instantly tell you that she wasn't a mermaid.

With a name like Killer Mermaid, you might expect this to be one long movie filled with scenes of a mermaid swimming through the water and attacking people. You would be wrong. There are a few death scenes, but a lot of the action takes place off screen. We might get to a good point, only to have the movie jump back to one of the other characters hearing someone scream.

The best part about the movie was actually the two lead actresses. The woman playing Lucy did a good job with her limited role. She was basically there to be Kelly's best friend and mope over Niko, but she did much better than you might expect. I also liked the actress playing Kelly and the actor playing Niko. He came across as the perfect slimeball who had no problem cheating on his finance with another woman and then acting like he did nothing wrong.

While the acting was pretty much on point, Killer Mermaid didn't have a whole lot else going for it.

From the Dark Movie Review – Two People, One Monster

Runtime: 90 minutes
Release Date: April 14, 2015
Rating: NR
Director: Conor McMahon


Sarah and Mark are a couple heading off on vacation together in the country. Though they followed the directions perfectly, they make a few wrong turns and wind up lost in the countryside. Though Sarah wants to call her father for help, Mark makes her put down the phone and volunteers to go for help himself, claiming there must be a home nearby.


After following the road, Mark finds a home in the middle of nowhere. As no one answers the door, he lets himself in and shouts for help. Instead of finding help, he's tasked with providing help after the owner of the home stumbles in bleeding profusely from his neck. Waiting back at the car, Sarah begins wondering if she made the right decision believing in her boyfriend until Mark pops back up and demands that she come back to the house with him to help its owner. They get there just in time to find that the man transformed into a monster and that he's looking for his next victim.


I cannot believe that more people aren't talking about this film and that it didn't get better reviews. It was one of those movies I watched with no expectations and ended up liking it so much that I keep recommending it to others.


The director does a good job of setting up the tension between the two very early on. Sarah continually makes fun of his new hair cut, which seems to irritate him, and he confesses to her on the car ride that he will probably never get married. By the time they separate and he goes for help, it's easy to understand why she would rather call someone for help than trust him to actually find help.


Conor MacMahon, the director, also added some intense atmosphere to the scenes where Sarah is on her own. There is a moment where she's leaning on the car and smoking a cigarette. The background gets a little fuzzy, which makes it hard to see what's happening behind her, until you realize that there is someone standing in the woods and watching her. Another intense scene occurs when she bends over to do something and a hand comes out of nowhere and moves right past her face.


The first half of the movie is really good, but the second half drops off a bit. The two attempt to escape through the woods and wind up running back to the house, which lets the monster stalk them and leads to them hiding in a bathroom with the door locked. Once Sarah finally goes off on a search for help by herself, it really gets going again.


Despite some ups and downs, I would probably rank From the Dark one of the best horror flicks I've seen this year. It has some great acting, a few intense moments, and just enough tension to leave you on edge.

Shrooms – Another Reason Not to go in the Woods

Runtime: 84 minutes
Release Date: November 23, 2007
Rating: NR
Director: Paddy Breathnach


The first time I saw Shrooms was when I had Netflix the first time, which was probably around 2008 or maybe 2009. I liked it so much that I gave it a four star rating and maybe even a five star rating. Every time I came across it somewhere else, I would stop and point out that I liked the film. While I still liked it after watching it recently, I didn't like it as fondly as I did in my mind.


Tara and some of her friends arrive in Ireland to hang out with their friend Jake. Jake previously studied at their college and had some kind of relationship with Tara. Though we never find out exactly what happened between them, it's clear that she still has a crush on him. They plan on camping in the woods by a former children's home and spending the weekends tripping on shrooms.


Jake gives them a quick primer on what to look for and what to avoid, warning them about the black deathcap mushrooms found in the woods. When the group splits off, Tara finds one of the deathcap shrooms and eats it. Though they find her and get her back to the camp, she has a major seizure and sees what will happen to them over the course of the weekend.


Later that night, Jake tells the group about the ghost stories that locals tell about the old children's home. Though everyone laughs it off, they also seem a little worried about spending the whole weekend away from civilization. It doesn't help that Jake takes all their phones and locks them in his glovebox to prevent them from freaking out on the shrooms and calling the cops. After one of the friends has a fight with his girlfriend, he drinks some of the tea made from the mushrooms, has a trip, imagines himself running into a man in a robe, and dies at the other man's hands. The remaining group members later find themselves running from a mysterious killer, but as they all drank the tea, there's no way of knowing what really happened and what is part of their trip.


Shrooms is never going to win a ton of awards or probably even acclaim from horror movie fans, but damn if it still isn't entertaining. One of the best moments occurs when Bluto, one of the jocks from the groups, hallucinates a talking cow in the middle of the woods. Not only does the cow warn him about going off on his own, but it gets the best line in the movie. When Bluto points out that the cow can talk, the cow responds in a deadpan voice, "that's cause you're outta your mind." How can you not love a horror movie that includes a talking cow?


On the second viewing, it took me about halfway through the movie before I remembered what happened in the end, which I consider a success. Far too many horror movies today are so one dimensional and predictable that you can almost guess the ending in the first few minutes. Shrooms just kind of pulled me into the movie and let me focus on the story and characters before I thought about the ending. That led to me making some weird, "oooh" sound and my roommate yelling at me not to ruin it for him.


Shrooms is a fun little movie that offers some nice distractions and a fun story. If you haven't seen it yet, jump on Netflix.

Neverlake Movie Review – Beware of Weird Fathers

Runtime: 86 minutes
Release Date: December 13, 2013
Rating: NR
Director: Riccardo Paoletti


On the same night that we rented Afflicated (look for that review soon!), we also snagged Neverlake from Redbox. The roommate decided to head up to bed and leave me alone to watch this one, and I have to say that he missed out. As excited as I was to finally see Afflicted, this was the movie that made me go, "now that's fucked up!"


Jenny is a young woman born in Italy but sent to her grandmother at an early age after her mother died. Her father is some type of doctor, but he also spends a lot of time holed up in his "studio" and working on a project. After introducing her to his maid/housekeeper/cook Olga, he promises to take her to the lake the next morning but then disappears before she gets up.


Though Olga asks her to stop and eat breakfast or stick close to home, she decides to take a walk by herself instead. While down by the lake, she meets a younger girl with bandages covering her eyes. The little girl asks for help getting home and later introduces Jenny to the other kids living in the same run down hospital type place with her. One of them cryptically warns her to watch out for adults because they're bad before she goes home.


Dr. Brook, AKA Jenny's dad, suggests they take a trip into the city the following day. Though he promises to take her to a great cafe, he leaves her on the street and makes a trip to a local store. There, he hands over a drawing to a man and asks him to make him "another one." The man confirms that he wants one just like the others before sending him on his way. Meanwhile, Jenny wanders into an antique toy store, sees a doll that looks familiar to her, and picks it up. That causes her to have a flashback, and she watches in horror as the doll's limbs all fall off.


The more Jenny spends at her father's house, the more weird things start happening. Paul, the oldest of the children she met before, reveals that he has a special connection to the people of the lake when he touches the water and brings up the silhouettes of people on the opposite side. The kids tell her that they want their statues back, which her father stole. When the kids reveal an odd knowledge of her father's home, Jenny realizes that there's something darker and sinister going on.


Neverlake might be one of those films that I watch once and completely forget, but I highly doubt it because this movie was really good and much better than I thought it would be. I complain a lot about movies that have multiple stories going on, but this one actually manages to tie everything together.


It starts out with a young girl moving to a huge country estate right on the water in Italy. You see those scenes and immediately think that it's just another classic ghost story. Then it throws in some historic mythology with the statues and people in the water, which makes you wonder where it's going next. You then hear several stories about Jenny's mother and see scenes of a woman dying next to the water and think it's a ghost story again. Throw in some scenes of Olga lurking in the background, her father outright lying to her, and what might just be someone locked in a hidden room, and you might feel like your head is spinning.


This is one of the few times when I actually want to reveal how the movie ends because I thought it was pretty surprising. I'm sure that people will say that they figured out the ending ahead of time, but Neverlake had one of those endings that literally made me say, "that's fucked up." Granted there was no one else in the room or around at the time, but I'm sure that I'll make my roommate watch this later.


Neverlake is available at most Redbox machines. Watch it without reading a lot about the movie and see what you think. Hopefully you'll like it as much as I did!

Patrick Movie Review – Evil Awakens, Kind Of

Runtime: 96 minutes
Release Date: March 14, 2014
Rating: PG?
Director: Mark Hartley


Kathy (Sharni Vinson, "Bait," "You're Next") accepts a job working as a nurse in a psychiatric hospital. Though the nights are long, she loves having the chance to escape from her former life. As she tells her newest friend, she just ended a bad relationship and wants the chance to move on without him standing in the shadows. Not long after she begins her new job, she meets Patrick.


Patrick is a patient living in a coma with supposedly no awareness of what happens around him. The more time that she spends working in the hospital, the more she becomes fascinated with her patient. One night, she discovers that he can hear her and respond to her questions. Let's skip over the part where she begins sliding her hands down his pants, shall we? Kathy does whatever it takes to help Patrick, even going against the orders of the head doctor. She quickly learns that forming a relationship with Patrick was a bad idea when he begins interacting with her and disrupting her personal life.


Let's get this out of the way right upfront, I didn't like Patrick. I've never seen the original and sorry, but I didn't even know this was a remake until a few days ago. I saw a trailer for it on another movie, thought it looked interesting, and when I realized that Vinson, who is my new favorite horror movie actress was in it, I mentally added it to my wish list. Now that I've seen it, I don't get what the fuss is about.


Patrick plays like a few different films combined into one. The dark settings, shadows bouncing off the walls, and desolate setting makes you think that it's set in a previous era. The nurses even wear old-fashioned uniforms that no hospital in the world would make them wear today. It's not until you see cell phones and computers that you realize this is set in the modern world.


The movie then seems to jump back and forth between an atmospheric ghost story to a mad scientist film to a love story gone wrong. It tries to heighten the tension a few times, but the results were so bad that I just shook my head and laughed. At one point, Patrick somehow learns how to control electrical devices and begins sending Kathy threatening text messages. Really?


It doesn't help that the story gives her two different love interests, a new man she meets and her previous boyfriend. Of course things go badly for her new love interest, but her old guy is there to help her pick up the pieces. Suddenly it doesn't matter that she moved and changed jobs to get away from him, now he's a good guy again. Ugh. I watched it once and thankfully, I don't need to watch Patrick again.

Cottage Country – Family Comes Second to Girlfriends

Runtime: 91 minutes
Release Date: March 14, 2013
Rating: Peter Wellington
Director: NR?


While her boyfriend Todd (Tyler Labine, "Tucker and Dale vs. Evil") is at work, Cammie decides to pack his bag for their weekend trip to his family's cabin/lake house, which leads to her finding an engagement ring. Knowing that he plans to propose, she wants the weekend to go perfectly. Not long after arriving, Todd's brother Salinger unexpectedly shows up with his girlfriend Masha. Masha is a little quirky, and Salinger is just a pain in the ass. Cammie agrees to go for a hike in the woods as long as Todd convinces his brother to leave.


Instead of having the peaceful conversation he hopes for, Todd ends up throwing his brother's expensive headphones in the lake. That leads to a fight, which ends with Todd knocking him out and tossing him out of the house. After packing his brother's stuff, Salinger attacks him from behind, and Todd grabs an ax and swings it at his brother, accidentally killing him. Todd hides his body and makes up a story when the girls come back, but he realizes that he has to tell Cammie the truth.


Though he attempts to prose to her, she stops him because it isn't the right time. When he reveals what happened, she decides that they need to take care of Masha and then they can take a trip to a nearby island in the lake and get engaged. The two trick Masha into coming into the kitchen, Todd wusses out before killing her with a knife, and Cammie does the job for him. They cut the bodies into smaller pieces, place the pieces in garbage bags, and dump them in the lake. Unfortunately for them, they arrive home just in time to find that Salinger invited a bunch of friends to the lake house for a party and many of them want to know what happened to their friend...


Cottage Country popped up as a recommendation after watching Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, and since I've been a fan of Labine since his Dead Last days, I had to watch it. Don't worry if you don't remember that show. I think The WB only ran six episodes or less before canceling it. Unfortunately, the movie wasn't nearly as funny as I hoped.


The problem is that Labine goes against type and it just doesn't work. Instead of playing the funny guy, he tries to play the straight guy. He's the guy who spends long hours at work, is afraid to stand up to his boss, and basically does whatever his girlfriend tells him. For god's sake, they even wear matching clothes at one point! It seems really odd, and given that this is supposed to be a horror/comedy, it's sad that the director didn't use his talents.


Lucy Punch, who plays Masha, is the funniest person in the movie but that isn't saying much. She tends to slur her words to the point where you either need to listen far too closely, turn your television up way too loud, or wait for one of the other characters to translate for her. She does have a fairly funny scene in the woods, where she talks about how her mother ended up in prison and pretends to kill herself with poisonous mushrooms, but her character is gone a few scenes later.


There's also an incredibly odd character named Dov in the field. He's supposed to be an Orthodox Jew, but when I first saw him, I swore he was just a hipster. He keeps talking about his studies and being a "good man" while drinking and smoking pot. He also constantly asks about Salinger, to the point where you want to just smack him. The only good part about his character was the way he left the film. Seriously, they make it out like Salinger does crazy stuff all the time, but Dov swears that he would never invite people over for a party and just disappear. That actually sounds exactly like something he would do.


Cottage Country failed on a number of different levels, and it was quite the come down after watching a movie I love right before it.

Stalker Movie Review – Nightmares Don't End When You Wake Up

Runtime: 77 minutes
Release Date: October 17, 2011
Rating: R/NR?
Director: Martin Kemp


Paula is a best selling write struggling with her next book. After the urging of her publicist/agent Sara, she decides to spend some time in her old family home. Everyone thinks that getting her away from it all for some time will help her focus and get her to buckle down and write. Not long after arriving, she meets the housekeeper who will take care of the home and her needs.


Things change when Paula meets Linda. As her new personal assistant, Linda promises to do whatever it takes to help her write, but it quickly becomes clear that Linda has some darker ideas in mind. Between a sudden injury that never seems to go away to the fact that Linda always seems to be popping up out of nowhere, Paula finds that getting away from it all might be the biggest mistake that she ever made.


I'll confess something here: this movie was hard to follow. I sat down to watch it with my roommate after watching Hell Baby (review is coming soon!), but a lot of the time, we watch movies while chatting about other stuff and playing online. This time, we were both watching the movie the whole time. At one point, he looked over and asked me if I had any idea what was going on, and I had to admit that I wasn't sure.


The problem is that Stalker tends to jump around a lot. One minute we're watching a scene of Paula and Linda having a conversation, then someone else will appear, it will jump to a scene of Sara talking to Paula's doctor, then a conversation between two completely different people, and then back to Paula. Given the ending of the film, the jumping around makes sense. The director wants to keep you on your toes and unsure of what's happening, but it just made the movie hard for me to follow.


Despite the jumping around, it's easy for anyone to predict the ending. My roommate very casually said, "I bet X, Y, and Z" at one point in the movie, I agreed, and damn if that isn't exactly what happened. If the director hoped that the ending would surprise anyone, he probably shouldn't have used so much foreshadowing in the earlier parts of the film. It left me unsatisfied and feeling like I just watched a made for television movie.

Magic Magic – Bad, Bad, and Bad Again

Runtime: 97 minutes
Release Date: July 26, 2013
Rating: R
Director: Sebastian Silver


Alicia and her best friend/cousin Sara (Emily Browning, The Uninvited) decide to visit a remote area of South America for their vacation. Sara looks forward to the trip and introducing her cousin to her boyfriend Augustin and his sister Barbara. When they arrive, they find that the duo brought along their new foreign exchange student friend Brink (Michael Cera), who clearly seems unhinged from the very beginning.


Sara receives a phone call about some problems with her school, and she leaves for what should be a short period of time. Left alone with a group of people she barely knows, Alicia slowly starts coming apart at the scenes. Brink seems especially interested in her and willing to do whatever it takes to make her his, while the other characters are mainly there to make Alicia more unsettled. As the film progresses, more weird things happen that make the viewers wonder if these things actually happen or are just a part of her mind.


After watching Magic Magic, I wished that I hadn't wasted an entire $1.20 to rent it from Redbox. I really did think it was that bad. It was one of those films that I finished watching and didn't say anything because I wasn't sure how anyone else felt. My roommate looked at me and said, "What was that shit?" and my other friend's reaction was, "Why did you make us watch this?"


That was why I was so surprised when I saw that it had such good reviews online. Did we all watch the same movie? Magic Magic was just plain bad. There was literally nothing about this movie that I enjoyed. Everyone in the film seemed cast for the wrong parts, and the movie itself was just plain confusing. I get that some films want to make you question reality and consider whether what you saw was real, but this one just left me scratching my head. It's literally the only time that I wanted to take a movie back and demand a refund from Redbox.

Flashback AKA Mörderische Ferien AKA Murderous Vacation – German Horror Done Right

Runtime: 95 minutes

Release Date: April 6, 2000

Rating: R

Director: Michael Karen

Foreign horror films have a tendency to make me sit up and wonder what the hell is wrong with American horror directors. "Flashback," which also goes by several other names, is one of those films.

The film opens up with scenes of a young girl named Jeanette spending time with her parents. While everything seems normal, a man breaks into the house and eventually murders both of her parents in front of her. "Flashback" then jumps several years into the future. After spending years in an institution, Jeanette is now a young woman, and her doctor thinks that she is ready to live outside the institution walls. He finds her a job working with a friend's step-children and teaching them French.

From the moment that Jeanette arrives at their house, something seems odd. All three of the "children" are actually close to her age, and none of them seem particularly excited about meeting her. She has to walk around the entire house just to find someone who can let her in, and by the time she does, someone steals her bags off the front porch. Lissy, Melissa, and Leon keep leaving her at home to go out and party, and they frequently mention their dislike of their stepfather.

Jeannette also has to deal with the housekeeper, who thinks that she needs to rule them all with an iron fist. She doesn't approve of Jeannette for the way she dresses, the fact that she actually goes into town with her charges, and her blossoming relationship with Leon. That relationship takes Jeannette by surprise, and it quickly becomes clear that she never really dated anyone before. After one particular party at the house, Jeannette starts suffering flashbacks of what happened to her family. The more she works with the teens and the closer she grows to Leon, the more it becomes clear that there is something wrong.

"Flashback" is an excellent movie because it offers several different possible explanations for what's going on, and you won't know exactly what happened until the very end. Is the man who killed her parents back for vengeance? Does the unseen step-father have something to do with the events? Is Jeannette the crazy one? Are the kids involved? This is the kind of film where I kept thinking that I knew what was going on, but then there was another twist, and I was wrong. It's also the type of film where you actually need to pay attention or you might miss out on something special.

I was so excited about seeing this movie that I actually recommended it to multiple people. I even spoiled it for my best friend by telling him the whole plot and the ending because I didn't see it coming. I had the chance to watch the film on Netflix, which thankfully provided a dubbed version (unlike "Battle Royale 2," which I will probably never watch because I seldom have time to sit down and watch a film with subtitles), but the site recently took the film down. If you get a chance to watch it, please do.

Battle Royale Movie Review – Where I Lose My Street Cred

There is no reason why you shouldn't know the plot of "Battle Royale," so let's just gloss over it, okay? A class of teenage students learn that there are the newest group picked for Battle Royale, which is a battle to the death. It's a way for Japan to protect itself by weeding out the weak. The students must fight until only one person remains standing.

They each receive a bag filled with supplies before being sent into the wilderness of a remote island. While some students find themselves armed with grenades, crossbows, or guns, others discover a pair of binoculars or a pot lid tucked inside. When two classmates decide to team up because of the crushes they had on each other before the competition, they enlist the help of yet another student, though they all know that only one person can walk away free.

Let me share my "Battle Royale" story. I had a "thing" with a guy a few years ago who absolutely loved this movie. Needless to say, once I sat down to watch it, I had to figure out a way to tell him that I really didn't like it. I walked away from the movie wondering why so many people loved it because in my mind, I was actually a little bored.

Cut to a few months ago when I was talking about "The Hunger Games" and how it was clearly a ripoff of this movie to a friend. He, a big time horror movie fan, had never heard of it before. I then discovered that my boyfriend had never seen it either. While wandering through Family Video, he picked it up and decided to rent it, despite me whining and complaining in the middle of the store.

Was it as bad as I remember? Actually, not at all. Will I be adding it to my list of favorite horror movies or movies in general? Not a chance. "Battle Royale" wasn't nearly as long and dull as I thought it was the first time I watched it. It actually has some of the greatest death/murder scenes from any film over the last ten years or so. While it might not necessarily be the best death of the film, my favorite death comes when a girl stabs another boy to death (starting in the nuts) after she repeatedly tells him to leave her alone.

I'm also a little shocked by Suzanne Collins, who still maintains that she never heard of the movie or the book before working on "The Hunger Games." Look lady, one similarity might be forgivable, but this is just ridiculous! What would you say if I told you that I just watched a movie about teens forced to kill each other, given survival items on a rolling cart, and two teens hide out together in a cave while they start having feelings for each other? Yeah, that isn't "The Hunger Games," that's "Battle Royale."

Movie Review: “Reservoir Hill”

Rating: NR

Runtime: 65 minutes

Release Date: 2009

Director: Thomas Robins, David Stubbs

Beth (Beth Chote) moves to a new town called Reservoir Hill with her mother. Everyone in town stops and takes a second look when she passes by because she looks exactly like Tara, a young woman who vanished less than a year ago. She quickly notices a group of men in dark hoods staring at her wherever she goes, and people seem almost afraid of her.

She also becomes friends with some of Tara's old friends, including one girl who seems to be the only one in town who actually likes her. Another girl takes a photograph of her and passes it around to show people how much she looks like Tara. Beth keeps telling people that she isn't Tara, but she begins to wonder if they share a connection.

It doesn't help when she meets the family of the missing girl. Tara's sister has an emotional breakdown that lands her in the hospital, and she later refers to Beth by her sister's name. Tara's mother shouts at her and treats her like the devil, and the girl's brother is the only one who seems genuinely nice. She also manages to meet and start dating a guy, who was the last person seen with Tara before she went missing. All of this leads up to the “shocking” revelation at the end that explains what happened.

“Reservoir Hill” was one of those movies that left me going, what the fuck? Some reports claim that this was a failed pilot that a New Zealand network ran as a standalone movie, and apparently there was a second film made that follows the story from its ending. I really need to see that second film because I'm curious how they kept the story going.

I hate to spoil a movie for anyone, so if you don't want to know what happens, stop reading now.

*****SPOILER*****

It turns out that Beth is actually Tara. Tara was the most popular girl at school. Everyone feared her, but everyone wanted to be her best friend too. She ruled the school and treated everyone like crap, including her best friends. She and her sister had a fight, which led to her sister pushing her over a bridge. Her former friends lure her back to the bridge and reveal that they knew the truth all along.

They went down to the river, found her body, and drug her into an old building. They basically brainwash her into believing that she's actually Beth, and the woman she knew as her mother was in on it all along. The woman was a teacher who had her life ruined by Tara, so she was perfectly willing to go along with the whole scheme. I don't know about you, but if some chick ruined my life, the last thing I would want to do is be super close to her for six months.

That was just, I don't know, the last thing I expected. I'm not sure how a group of teenage girls could brainwash another girl into believing that she was a completely different person, especially given how strong they keep saying Tara was before. On top of that, how would a mother not realize the girl in front of her was her real daughter? Tara's sister notices it, but the mom just thinks the other girl is the devil. Of course, that doesn't stop her from totally accepting her at the end of the film.

*****END SPOILER*****

“Reservoir Hill” is currently available on Netflix to watch instantly, just in case you want to give it a shot.

Movie Review: “Rec 3: Genesis”

Runtime: 80 minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: September 7, 2012

Director: Paco Plaza

“Rec 3: Genesis” opens with the traditional slideshow presentation that everyone secretly hates from weddings. Through two cameras, we learn that Koldo and Clara are the lucky young couple. After exchanging vows and doing a truly lame rehearsed dance at the reception, Koldo's uncle Adrian interrupts with what he claims is a dog bite. Naturally, the dog bite turns out to be a bite from an infected person.

Once he bites a few people, everyone in the party starts running for the hills. Koldo winds up with a group that includes a little girl from the wedding party, his cousin, the wedding videographer, and oddly enough, a man who shows up at wedding receptions to see what songs the band plays so he can make sure musicians get their royalties. Clara heads off with the priest and eventually finds herself with the best man Rafa.

“Rec 3: Genesis” is essentially a love story that takes place in the middle of a zombie attack. Clara and Koldo basically do anything that it takes to find their way back to each other, even if it means donning medieval garb like Koldo does, or taking a chainsaw to her wedding dress like Clara does. The film also has a nifty little ending that is just as bleak and unhappy as the ending to the other films.

What I particularly liked about this one is that it introduced some humorous elements. There's the children's performer hired for the reception who goes by the name of SpongeJohn because of his generic SpongeBob costume, and Rafa who is more concerned about getting lucky than he is about the potential outbreak. Clara has a few great moments too, like when she puts the heel of her shoe through the eye of one zombie, and she later takes out two more with a chainsaw through the head. Oh, and that outfit on the poster? She actually makes it herself by sawing through her dress with the same chainsaw.

What I didn't like about the film is that it relies more on slick camera work than the handheld cameras that permeated the earlier films. While some might applaud the fact that “Rec 3: Genesis” uses better cameras, I have to say that I miss the “found footage” elements from the other films. I appreciate that it uses those elements early on, but when it jumps to the newer cameras, it feels a little jarring.

The relationship between Klodo and Clara is a little unbelievable at times too. They have their funny moments, like when she announces over the loudspeaker that she's pregnant, but then tells her family that it wasn't a shotgun wedding. It seems like she's more willing to save him than he is to save her. In one scene, she climbs a ladder from a tunnel under the building because he's standing over a grate above her. He tells her to climb back down, knowing that there are infected people there, to retrieve a screwdriver that his group lost earlier in the movie. Really Klodo, you couldn't find a butter knife or something in there to unscrew the grate yourself?

I'm also not a big fan of the religious aspects of the movie. If the infected can be stopped by quoting the Bible, why did no one ever try this before? Despite that, it gets two big thumbs up from me. The kill scenes kept me entertained and the humor kept me laughing. As one of my friends said after the credits rolled, “why can't we make horror movies like that?”

We Are the Night Movie Review

Runtime: 96 minutes
Rating: NR
Release Date: May 20, 2011
Director: Dennis Gansel

Three women are on a plane where the entire flight crew is dead and bleeding. One of the woman discovers a living flight attendant and breaks her neck before they jump out of the plane. The movie then jumps to a young woman named Lena. After stealing a man’s wallet, she rushes off with a cop chasing her. She quickly changes clothes and runs into the cop again. Though she has a connection with Tom, he tries to arrest her and she hits him and takes off.

Lena joins a long line outside a hip nightclub. The three women from earlier watch the line via hidden camera, and select Lena. We meet the leader Louise, who dances with Lena and bites her. Though Lena runs away, she discovers that her life has changed when she wakes up the next day and cannot stand the sunlight. After confronting the group, Louise forces Lena to become a prostitute. Her pimp attacks her and she kills him. As all hell breaks loose, the other girls come to her rescue. With Tom hot on their trail, Lena discovers that she’s trapped between her former life and what they made her.

I added We Are the Night to my Netflix queue when I originally had it. I let my membership lapse but went back a few months ago, and it was one of the only titles still in my original queue. I kept putting off watching it and when I finally did, I could kind of see why. I know the movie got a lot of good reviews, but it really wasn’t my cup of tea.

This is like a vampire movie that doesn’t want to admit that it’s a vampire movie. No one in the film ever says the v-word, but it’s pretty clear that’s what the women are. Sometimes it wants to be an action movie, sometimes it wants to be a thriller, and sometimes it wants to be a romance movie. It all winds up being a little too confusing.

Bait Movie Review

Runtime: 91 minutes
Rating: R
Release Date: September 1, 2012
Director: Kimble Rendell

What can you say about a movie that involves blood thirsty sharks running loose after a tsunami hits a beach town? These are the kind of movies that I love because I know that I will get a kick out of them, but Bait actually comes across as a little boring.

Josh (Xavier Samuel) opens the film, lounging on the beach with his girlfriend Tina and talking about their upcoming move. His best friend gets attacked by a shark, and while he tries to save him, the man dies. Josh then broods about his life, breaking up with Tina and quitting his job.

One year later and things aren’t looking up for Josh. Tina comes back into town with a new man, and Josh works in a grocery store, which gets held up by two men, including Doyle (Julian McMahon, Charmed). Nothing really happens until the tsunami strikes, sending thousands of gallons of water into the grocery store.

One group of survivors climbs on top of the shelves, and the group includes a cop named Todd (Martin Sacks), his shoplifting daughter Jamie (Phoebe Tonkin), Tina, her boyfriend Steven, Doyle, his partner Kirby, and two people who work there. An underground tunnel provides access to the parking garage where Jamie’s boyfriend Ryan (Alex Russell) and a couple named Heather and Kyle get stuck. Naturally, the sharks begin attacking and both groups must figure out a way to survive.

I thought the premise of Bait sounded interesting, which is why I gave it a shot, and believe it or not, it does have a few good moments. Heather is easily one of the most annoying characters, constantly carting her dog around with her. When Kyle risks his life to get away with her dog, you will find yourself screaming at him to just drop it. When he finally does, you can’t help but laugh. There’s another nice moment between the two when Heather refuses to get out of the car because of her expensive shoes, and he has to admit that he lied and said they were designer shoes.

The group in the grocery store isn’t quite as entertaining. McMahon is a great actor and a personal fave of mine, but he almost seems to sleepwalk through the movie. When he suggests making a large fishing hook to catch the shark, it’s so ridiculous that I found myself waiting for someone to make a fake drum sound.

Bait never really delivers any scares, but it doesn’t seem like it should either. Despite having a bigger budget than most of the films that I watch, it plays like a basic run of the mill creature feature made for Syfy.