Lake Placid vs. Anaconda – Can't Keep a Good Croc Down

Runtime: 92 minutes

Release Date: April 23, 2015

Rating: NR

Director: A.B. Stone

Jim (Robert Englund) takes a group of scientists into the wilds of New York to capture one of those infamous crocodiles. They want to breed the crocodile with an anaconda. While this usually takes lot of time and work, they take the easy way out and just inject blood from the crocodile into the pregnant snack, and blamo! It's all good. Except it's not all good at all. The crocodile wakes up from its sedative snack and goes ape shit, which ends with most running away and the RV they used exploding.

Reba (Yancy Butler from the last two Lake Placid movies) is now in charge of the police department in the same small town from one of the earlier films. The mayor or some guy like the mayor, hears word that the giant crocodiles might be back and orders her to take care of the problem without ever letting anyone know that there's giant man eating crocodiles nearby. She and her deputy Ferguson find evidence of crocodiles, which leads her to call on Fish & Wildlife for help.

Meanwhile, Bethany is a college student pledging a sorority and winds up near the lake with the other pledges and Tiffani, the president of the sorority. Tiffani is a mega bitch who makes them jump in and out of the lake on her command. Bethany also meets Margo, the stereotypical Converse wearing, black eyeliner, roll her eyes every 30 seconds college feminist. Turns out she's really only there to write a paper for her psychology class. Because freshmen go undercover and write detailed psychology papers? As a psychology BS holder, I say not.

Bethany winds up calling her dad to check in, who is conveniently Tull (Corin Nemec, who looks like he hasn't aged in 15 years), the head of Fish & Wildlife. Tull eventually meets up with Reba and starts investigating for signs of the crocodiles. When he learns that his daughter was on the water that day and finds signs that crocodiles really did attack the sorority girls, he tries to find a way to save his daughter while helping Reba too.

I still remember seeing the original Lake Placid in theaters and being shocked at little old Betty White. I also remember seeing the original Anacondas in theaters and being shocked at how awful Jennifer Lopez was. While I stuck with the Lake Placid series, I haven't seen a single of the Anacondas films until this one.

Is it wrong of me to say that this is the best one? In a week where I watched Lavalantulas, Sharknado 2, and Sharknado 3, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda actually came out on top. There's the joy of watching and waiting to see what happens to Englund, Reba constantly yelling at Ferguson who is great for comedic relief, and the creepy incestuous vibe between Tull and his daughter. Seriously, who calls their dad just to say I love you and tease him about what he does when you aren't there, and who calls his daughter baby when she's in college? It doesn't help that with Nemec never aging that they kind of do look like a couple.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda is just fun. You have to laugh every time Ferguson does something stupid, and you have to root for Englund, who clearly had fun making the movie. While it might not be Oscar worthy, it's definitely fun!

Into the Grizzly Maze – James Marsden and Tom Jane vs. Bears

Runtime: 94 minutes

Release Date: August 13, 2015

Rating: R

Director: David Hackl

Rowan returns to his home town after a stint in jail. He's the black sheep of the family, see? After meeting a girl at the bar and taking her back to his hotel room, she reveals she's a stripper and demands payment. Like any woman would turn down James Marsden! Her pimp later shows up and starts beating her up in the parking lot, so he runs down to save her. The cops show up, and one of the cops, Beckett (Thomas Jane), takes him to the side. It turns out that they're brothers, but Beckett is the good son.

Into the Grizzly Maze throws a bunch of characters at us all at once. Douglass (Billy Bob Thornton) is an unscrupulous grizzly hunter who often breaks the law when hunting. Kaley is Rowan's ex-girlfriend and a cop on the local force. Johnny Cadillac, and yes that is seriously his name, is a former friend of Rowan's who now hunts grizzlies. There's also Scott Glenn as the head of the police force and Piper Perabo as Michelle, Beckett's wife.

After hearing some reports of wild bears spotted in the area, the police force mans up. Unfortunately, Michelle went into the woods to take some pictures on the same day. I say unfortunately because she's deaf and apparently uses the ground movements to tell if there is a bear in the area. That doesn't work out too well for her as she gets trapped by a grizzly. Rowan just so happens to be in the area, saves her, and they run off together. Beckett and Kaley head off into the woods to find Michelle, while Scott Glenn sticks around to mobilize the troops and potentially let Billy Bob loose.

I rented Into the Grizzly Maze on the assumption that it would play like an Asylum movie, and I ended up being pleasantly surprised. While it does play like an Asylum movie you might come across in the middle of the night on Sy-Fy, it's actually like a better version of one of those movies. Even though everyone in the movie took themselves so seriously, I lost count of how many times the BF and I ended up laughing while watching it.

Rowan is the black sheep of the family, and I can say that because they mention it once every 10 minutes or so. They bring it up when he comes back, when he goes to his father's old house, when his brother learns he's with his wife, when he finds the wife, when they all catch up together. We get the point, James Marsden is the bad guy!

Adam Beach also turns up for a short period of time as Johnny Cadillac. I think he's a great actor, so I have no idea why he ended up in what was basically a cameo. Actually, I'm not sure how anyone other than Jane and maybe Perabo ended up in this movie. It seems like there was a chance it might get a theatrical run, but come on! Who thought a movie like this would play in theaters anymore? Even sadder is that it took over three years between the movie was announced and when it finally came out.

Based on my review, some might think I hated the movie, but I actually kind of dug it. It's like someone came up for an idea for an Asylum movie, got a little extra funding, and grabbed some big name stars without changing the budget or script. Who wouldn't like that?

Frogs Movie Review: If you're squeamish, don't worry

 

Runtime: 91 minutes
Release Date: March 10, 1972
Rating: PG
Director: George McCowan


Pickett Smith, who I absolutely did not realize was Sam Elliott, is a photographer working on taking pictures of animals and nature. While working in a canoe in the swamp, siblings Clint and Karen speed by in their boat, which causes his canoe to tip over. After snapping at them about losing his work, Clint offers to replace all his damaged equipment. They take Pickett back to their family home, which is the Crockett Estate on an island nearby.


There, he meets the head of the family. Jason is stuck in a wheelchair and doesn't seem too happy. Though he wants to celebrate the Fourth of July and encourages Pickett to remain for the festivities, he can't stop complaining about the snakes and frogs living near the house. He sends one of his workers out to use some pesticides to kill the animals. Pickett finds the man's dead body and notices that he's covered in snake bites, but despite learning of the problem, Jason decides to push forward.


You know exactly where this is going. As they start planning for the holiday, amphibians keep flocking to the island and killing everyone in new and not so interesting ways.


Frogs is a film that I added to my Netflix queue when I went through a "killer animals" phase last year. There's a good chance that the movie's been in there since I had an account 6-7 years ago too. When I noticed some of those older movies expiring, I decided to take some time to watch some of the older horror movies before they disappeared too. Frogs was the first one on my list, and if it's any indication of what might come, it's probably time to weed out my queue.


Frogs is easily one of the worst movies I've seen. It wasn't one of those "so bad it's funny movies" either. My roommate and I giggled once or twice, but for the most part, we just kept checking how much time was left. At one point, he even begged me to just shut off the movie or move on to something else. I persevered and got through the movie but it's probably not something I should brag about.


This came out at a time when directors mixed existing footage with new footage to make a film. While that sometimes works in the right way or the funny way, it didn't work here. You get multiple scenes of frogs, snakes, and crocodiles moving through the wild before seeing someone thrashing around on the ground and screaming in pain or mock horror.


The one funny moment came when a man was attacked by a crocodile. The way he was rolling around in the water made us laugh and contemplate whether he was fighting or playing with it. This was one of the smaller crocodiles, and the way he kept looping his arm around it and dragging it around make it look like the poor thing just wanted to escape the bad movie.


If there's one reason to see the movie, it's for Joan Van Ark. Given the frightening way she looks today, it was kind of fun to see her back when she looked normal and even pretty.