4closed Movie Review – Jamie Kennedy Be Creepy

Runtime: 90 minutes
Release Date: August 9, 2013
Rating: NR
Director: Nick Lyon


4closed opens with a realtor preparing a walk through of a newly foreclosed home. Somehow, all the doors in the house lock at the same time, and she can't escape. A dark figure comes out of the shadows and brutally murders her before she can get out.


It then jumps to a family out shopping for a new home. Since I can't remember the names, I'll just use their real names. James Denton and his wife Marlee Matlin need to find a new house for them and their daughter Christina DeRosa. After looking at multiple homes that are too expensive or too small (for three people, WTF?), they finally find the house of their dreams. The realtor tells them that it was a foreclosure that the bank foreclosed on after the owner died. They fall in love and decide to move in right away.


When moving day arrives, they find Jamie Kennedy waiting inside. He tells them that it's his house and shows paperwork that backs up his claims. The police can't do anything until they straighten things out, so the family move into a hotel. Marlee's dad, Paul Sorvino, makes it clear that he isn't happy and has them move into his large house.


Jamie's lawyer drops the case when he learns that his mother left everything to a bunch of charities. I don't think the writer really understands how foreclosures work. If she owned the house, the bank wouldn't foreclose on it, but the movie wants us to believe that she owned it and just left it to a charity. He moves out, but as soon as the family moves in, things go wrong. James, who is a recovering alcoholic, suddenly discovers rumors swirling that he started using again, and poor Christina discovers that her new online friend really isn't who she thought it was.


4closed sounds like some awful and cheesy movie, but damn if I didn't like it! There's something nice about seeing Kennedy go back to his roots. The one thing I kept thinking when I saw Scream 4 was that I wish he somehow could have appeared or that they would at least mention him. With his scruffy beard and crazy eyes, he really does seem like someone who could hardwire a house to obey his commands and live underneath a home with no one knowing.


This movie plays like one of those cheesy horror films that landed straight on video during the 1990s or even the 1980s, but there's something almost refreshing about that. The movie doesn't go all out with the blood and guts, and most killings take place off screen. It asks you to think about how those killings happened in your own mind. It also has a number of things that you know will happen, like Christina making a new friend online. You know that it isn't really that cute guy from her new school, but you also can't wait to see what happens or how she learns the truth.


4closed could easily be just another forgettable little film from The Asylum, but there was something about the movie that I really liked. It's easily one of the better movies from the company that I've watched recently.

The Purge Movie Review – "Now Get the Hell Out of My House."

Runtime: 85 minutes
Release Date: June 7, 2013
Rating: R
Director: James DeMonaco


James (Ethan Hawke, "Gattica") is a salesman responsible for selling a large number of alarm systems around town. On his way home from work, he stops to talk to some of his neighbors, warning them to lock their doors and stay inside for the night. James lives in a time where unemployment rates are low and crime drops because of a night known as The Purge. For twelve hours every year, American citizens can go anything they want for those hours with no worries of what it might mean. Theft, rape, and even murder are all allowed.


James arrives home to his wife Mary, son Charlie, and teenage daughter Zoey. Mary lets him know that Zoey isn't happy with him making her end her relationship with a slightly older boy named Henry, and his son seems content to just play with a creepy radio controlleve vehicle he made from an old doll with a camera attached. While the family prepares to lock down their house for the night, Mary has an encounter with a neighbor who makes it clear they aren't happy with the family flaunting their new wealth. Zoey takes the time to make out with her boyfriend for a few minutes before sending him home for the night.


As they lock down the house, Charlie expresses some doubt and concern with what The Purge means. When he hears a man screaming for help outside and a pack of people following the man, he makes the decision to unlock the doors and let him inside. The pack then demands that they either release the man or they'll come inside and get him. James wants to send him on his way, but his family disagrees. It doesn't help that Zoey's boyfriend attempts to kill James, which leads to James killing him. While all this goes on, the people outside wait for help to arrive so they can break into the house.


The Purge is one of those movies that I wanted to see from the moment I watched the trailer, but now that I watched it, I'm glad I waited. It's one of those movies that you just want to watch as you scream at every character to stop being so fucking stupid. First, there's Charlie. He's clearly old enough that he's lived through multiple Purges, and he even mentions that they studied it in school. He knows how everything operates, but that doesn't stop him from opening the door to save a random stranger. Even when the people outside make it clear that they will kill him and his family, he thinks he needs to save that man.


Then, there's Zoey. Not only does she continue seeing a man her parents don't approve of and lets him sneak into her house, she doesn't notice the cryptic comments that make it clear he won't just walk away. Once the shootout with her father occurs, she spends most of the movie hiding upstairs and running around like a crazy person instead of taking the time to check on her family or even respond when her mother calls for her.


It doesn't help that Hawke is incredibly unlikeable in this movie. He is so smug that I wanted to punch him in the throat multiple times. He is always right, everyone else is wrong, and there's no middle ground. While I agree with his wishes to protect his family, he doesn't see anything wrong with bragging about how money he made that year and how their house is better than all the other houses in the neighborhood. He also doesn't take the time to let his family know that their alarm system isn't 100% safe until a threat arrives.


The Purge didn't have nearly as much action as I expected. The trailers made it seem like the plot involved a game of cat and mouse between a family and the people stalking them, but most of the good moments appeared in the trailer. There is also a "twist" that you must be blind not to notice. There is so much foreshadowing and mentions of the neighbors that most people will find themselves just waiting until the twist finally happens. Though interesting at times, The Purge didn't really make much of an impression on me.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters – "We learned a couple of things while we were trapped in that house."

Runtime: 88 minutes
Release Date: January 25, 2013
Rating: R
Director: Tommy Wirkola


"We learned a couple of things while we were trapped in that house. One, never walk in to a house made of candy. And two, if you're gonna kill a witch, set her ass on fire."


Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters opens with two young children finding themselves alone in the woods after their father abandons them. After they find the home of a witch, the witch tries to fatten them up and prepare them for her next meal, but they trick and kill her. Where the fairy tale ends, this story picks up.


The two now devote themselves to slaying witches and stopping the spread of witchcraft across the country. They head to a new town, where they see the sheriff planning to execute a witch. The two immediately go through the motions of showing him that this woman isn't a witch, and after saving her life, they decide to stick around and kill a group of witches who recently kidnapped several children from around town. This leads to the two to partner with a young local boy, meet a troll, and discover that they have a connection to witchcraft they never knew of before.


Confession time: I actually saw this movie back in May at the drive-in, watched it, and rolled my eyes. When it came out on DVD, I gave it another try and realized that I really liked the movie. I even bought a copy when the video rental place near me clearanced it out for $5. The movie has the perfect combination of cheeziness, horror, and action to keep me entertained.


Jeremy Renner is the perfect Hansel, while Gemma Arterton is the perfect Gretel. The two actually look similar and do a good job of playing brother and sister. Famke Janssen does an equally good job as the beautiful yet sometimes scary witch Muriel. Horror fans will also get a kick out of seeing Peter Stormare as the sheriff who cares more about the money he makes killing "witches" than he does learning if those people are truly innocent.


The major misstep in the film is the character of Mina. While she does have a connection to the plot, it sometimes feels like she was shoehorned into the movie. After sharing a naked moment with Hansel, he learns that she's a good witch and that not all witches are bad. She goes from being a small background character to one of the major characters in the movie, and I sometimes wished they would focus a little more on the witches than on her.


Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters also does a smart job of adding to the story. These two weren't dropped in the woods because of the same reasons found in the story. These two found themselves stuck in the woods because their father realized it was the only way to save them after the townspeople learned that their mother was a good witch. It even adds some humor to the film in the form of Ben, a young boy who adores Hansel and Gretel from afar and wishes that he could do the same work they do.


Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters came out awhile ago, but if you haven't watched it yet, give it a try before its proposed sequel lands in theaters.

Movie Review: Bad Kids Go to Hell – "What a Bitch"

Runtime: 91 minutes
Release Date: December 7, 2012
Rating: R
Director: Matthew Spradlin


The Breakfast Club takes the horror movie route in Bad Kids Go to Hell. The film opens on a scene of SWAT team members running through a school and and finding a single student standing in the middle of a library with an ax in his hand and a series of dead bodies on the floor. It then jumps back six hours in time to show us what happened that led to that moment.


Crestview Academy is a typical private school filled with a bunch of rich and snotty kids. Six of those kids find themselves stuck in the library for the day for Saturday detention. Their teacher assigns them a new project to keep them out of trouble for the day, which is when the issues unfold. One of those students discovers that the school was built on top of land once owned by Native Americans and that several bloody battles occurred in the area. When they attempt to leave, they learn that something doesn't want them to escape, which in turn leads to the students being killed.


Bad Kids Go to Hell had the chance to be a solid horror film, but it somehow missed the mark. Despite Judd Nelson, who I secretly still crush on from the 80s, it was one of those movies that started off good and then somehow went downhill. Even my boyfriend, who finds redeeming factors in every horror movie I make him watch, left the room at several points and then later admitted that he couldn't get into the movie.


The problem is that most of the characters have no redeeming factors. When you watch a movie about a group of teens stuck in one place for 90 minutes, you want to root for someone. I just wanted to see them all die. Every character in the film is one note without any dimensions. The girls are bitchy, gossip about each other, and are just generally rude, while the guys are just as bad. I wish I could say something interesting about the movie, but Bad Kids Go to Hell just missed the mark with me.

Alyce Kills Movie Review

Runtime: 90 minutes
Release Date: May 24, 2013
Rating: NR
Director: Jay Lee


Alyce (Jade Dornfeld) is something of a party animal. Despite her calm demeanor, innocent looks, and job working in an office, she loves partying with her best friend. The early parts of the movie show the two drinking too much and having a little too much fun. After having a little too much fun with some drugs, they find themselves on the roof of Alyce's building, and she accidentally shoves her friend over the side.


This releases the inner Alyce, a woman who wants nothing more than to kill those around her. Though she behaves normally with the police officer who comes to her house with news of her friend, she later heads to a drug dealer and scores some more drugs after stripping naked for him. Alyce launches a new adventure on her own that leaves viewers wondering if everything that unfolds is real or just a figment of her imagination.


What can you say about a movie that involves a normal looking woman trying to chop a man apart in her living room floor with a kitchen knife? Oddly enough that scene is one of the funniest in the movie. After the man arrives in her home, she stabs him and tries to dismember his body with a knife, the garbage disposal, and even a blender before borrowing some tools. She then lets his girlfriend come over, where she proceeds to smack that woman in the head with a baseball bat, but only after letting her see her dead boyfriend's head on the floor.


Alyce is clearly a disturbing person, and the director doesn't shy away from showing that. When she realizes her friend survived the fall and can remember what happened, she smothers her to death with a pillow. At the woman's funeral, she lays down on the coffin and attempts to molest her in front of the woman's family and friends. Alyce feels like the relationship she had with her friend was her last chance, and without her, she doesn't know how to go on with her life.


Alyce Kills is definitely a strange movie, and I'm not sure if I liked it or not. Dornfeld is a great Alyce. Her Alyce is the type of woman who has no problem killing most people but can't handle the idea of killing someone just like her. After losing her job, she heads back to the office to kill the woman who fired her because she didn't show up to work one day. When the woman reveals that she just wants people to notice her, Alyce drops her bat and slips away without her former coworker even noticing.


Alyce Kills does have a really great ending, and it's one of those endings that just makes you laugh. If you're looking for a movie that gives you answers and wraps everything up with a nice neat bow, this isn't the movie for you. It does, however, have an interesting story and some great kill scenes. I'm still a little undecided on whether I liked the film, but it was entertaining.

V/H/S 2 Movie Review

Runtime: 96 minutes
Release Date: June 6, 2013
Rating: R


"VHS 2" opens with a private investigator blackmailing a married man into giving him more money for footage of him and his mistress before he turns it over to the man's wife. He then explains to his partner that a mother called him about her missing college-aged son. The two sneak into the son's house, where they find a series of tapes. Ayesha begins watching the tapes, while Larry searches the house for any sign of the missing man.


Phase 1 Clinical Trials


The first video involves a man getting a new implant in his eye after a car accident left him partially blind. On his way out of the office, he sees a woman looking at him funny, but he doesn't think twice about it. Later that night, he sees someone in his bed, and when he pulls off the sheet, no one is there. He turns to find a dead man standing just behind him. He begins seeing dead people everywhere he goes, and the woman from the doctor shows up to explain what happened.


A Ride in the Park


My favorite segment of "VHS 2" is this one. Out for a morning ride, a man receives a phone call from his girlfriend as he hooks his camera up to his helmet. After talking to her, he runs into a woman screaming for help and covered in blood. When he tries to help her, she bits him, and he discovers a group of zombies in the woods. He tries to get away, only to find himself infected and biting those who try to help him. I'm not sure the director intended to make it quite as funny as we found it, but I still liked it, especially when the zombies invade a child's birthday party.


Safe Haven


My least favorite segment of "VHS 2" is this one. A group of filmmakers meet with the leader of a cult who moved his "family" to a compound on the outskirts of town. Though he initially denies their request to meet with his family, he later changes his mind and agrees to the meeting. It doesn't take long until they realize that something odd is going on. He passes out drinks to his people, and some of the men begin killing themselves. All I will say about this one is that my boyfriend fell asleep during this one but stayed awake for the rest of the movie.


Slumber Party Alien Abduction


Left alone for the night without their parents, a younger boy invites his friends over, and they pull a bunch of pranks on his older sister and her boyfriend, including jumping out with strobe lights while they're having sex to film them. Later that night, they see a weird light on the lake and the power goes out in their house. They see some strange men standing outside their door, and they wind up running outside. After plenty of shaky cam work and what seemed like a really long time, we learn that it's aliens randomly chasing them, and we see it all from the point of view of the dog.


I almost rented "VHS 2" on Demand for $9.99 last month, but I'm glad that I waited to rent it for $1 from Redbox. It had some good points, and I really liked the second segment, but it didn't hold my attention like the first one did.

Getting Ready for Halloween

I write for a living, which means that by the time I finish writing for other people, I don't always have the time or energy to sit down and work on any of my blogs. That explains why I didn't update this blog for around a month. But, Halloween is my favorite time of the year, and I hope to make regular posts in the next month.

I originally wanted to write a new review every day, but I don't see that happening. I'm aiming for at least 2-3 reviews each week, and with so many new horror movies coming out this month, I'll hopefully have a nice mixture of newer and older movies up in the next few weeks. Look for reviews on films like:

*Twixt: Val Kilmer does another bad horror flick.

*Rites of Passage: Christian Slater talks to a sock monkey!

*The Tortured: What would you do if someone stole your child?

*Ticked Off Trannies with Knives: The title says it all!