Movie Review: The Conjuring 2 – Oh God, Not Another One

Runtime: 134 minutes

Release Date: June 10, 2016

Rating: R

Director: James Wan

Nothing will make me believe a “true story” less than a film that starts out with an investigation of the Amityville case. The Conjuring 2 takes us to New York as Ed and Lorraine investigate the “haunted” house. They then do a television interview that causes Ed to lash out at man who doesn't believe in him or his wife. When the man makes a comment about how Lorraine never met a house that wasn't haunted, I laughed my ass off. Ed recently started having visions of a demon, and when Lorraine reveals that she “saw” the same creature kill him, they agree to take a break from ghost hunting.

Too bad that there is another case about to bring them back to the fold. Over in England, a young girl named Janet gets in trouble for smoking on school grounds. Even though she was just holding her friend's cigarette, her mom doesn't want to hear it. Peggy is a single mother of four kids living in a council house and just trying to hold things together since her husband knocked up a woman around the corner and took off. Janet brings home a spirit board that she made with her friend, which seemingly sets off something sinister in the house.

Janet “levitates” in the air at several points. They hear knocking inside the walls, and furniture moves on its own. Janet then begins speaking in a demonic voice. A police officer even sees the furniture move. The family moves in with a friend and calls the church for help. The church then invites the Warrens to spend a weekend in England. Based on what they find, the church will decide what to do next.

Though the Warrens enter with no idea of what to expect, they quickly find that there is something sinister happening in the house. Of course. Despite evidence that Janet and her sister faked a good portion of the poltergeist activity, Ed becomes convinced that he must save the poor family. Lorraine has to keep a watchful eye on him and hope the demon doesn't return.

I have absolutely no belief whatsoever in anything the Warrens ever did. Hearing all the evidence about the Amityville case, it really pisses me off that she still swears it all happened. She's even given interviews and talked about things that others proved didn't happen but still says it did. Reading up on the case about the “true” story in this movie only pissed me off more. Those kids admitted that they made stuff up, people caught them faking stuff on camera, and don't even get me started on the bull shit “levitation” thing. Other also spoke out and claimed that the two only spent a single day in England, but the film version has us believing that Ed swept in like an action hero and saved them all. Gag me.

Despite really not liking The Conjuring, I disliked The Conjuring 2 even more. There was maybe one scene in the film that had me freaking out, which was when the demon nun came at Lorraine through a picture frame. Everything else had the sense of something I saw before. As much as I like James Wan, I wish he would just abandon this franchise and move on.

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax Movie Review – How Did This Inspire a Show??

Runtime: 87 minutes

Release Date: January 25, 2014

Rating: NR

Director: Nick Gomez

Despite my Christina Ricci loving roommate renting this when it first came out on DVD and me having it in my Netflix queue for months, it took a rainy Saturday and the house to myself for me to actually sit down and watch it. All I can say is that I'm shocked this led to Lifetime doing a whole show about Lizzie Borden.

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax wants you to believe that Lizzie was just a young lady with a frisky spirit, or at least in the very beginning. Despite the fact that people in town view both she and her sister as spinsters, Lizzie has a ton of friends and a bit of a teenage attitude. She's not above sneaking out of the house to hang out and drink with her friends, and when she learns that her stepmother cut off her line of credit a a dress shop, she simply steals what she wants.

Oh, and let's not forget that she clearly has an incestuous relationship going on with her father. Despite there being no evidence or even any rumors of insect, she's constantly touching her father in inappropriate ways, bringing up the fact that he always wears the ring she gave him, and acting more like his girlfriend than his daughter. Honestly though, if Stephen McHattie was around me, I'd probably have a hard time keeping my hands to myself too!

After some backstory, we finally cut to the infamous day. Lizzie screams from her father's office and tells the maid that someone killed him. While talking to the police, she mentions her stepmother and how someone should check on her, which leads to the police finding her dead too. Though there is very little evidence in the case, the police arrest her and put her on trial. They dig up things like how she bought rat poison and her family later got sick and how she despised her stepmother, but the jury finds her innocent and sends her home.

Then, in a scene that makes it clear Lifetime considered this a one time thing, Lizzie confesses to her sister that it was her all along! Gasp, the horror!

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax was bad, even for a Lifetime movie. It felt like whoever wrote the film only knew the basics of the story and decided to make up a bunch of stuff to fit what he/she wanted. Christina Ricci, who is usually so much better, plays Lizzie like some teenage girl who wants to rebel against her parents by drinking and hanging out with a guy from the wrong side of the tracks. It doesn't help that Ricci is incredibly skinny in this movie. Seeing all of her bones poking through her skin was the creepiest part of the movie. Clea Duvall, who I also love, was just wasted her. As Lizzie's sister Emma, she does nothing more than stand around in the background, occasionally voice her doubts, and then do nothing.

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax is just another bad made for television movie based off a real story that spent too much time focusing on fictional things than dealing with the actual story. I'd love someone to do a similar story but actually do a good job.

Movie Review: Sweet Home – Don't Go In Old Apartment Buildings

Runtime: 80 minutes

Release Date: May 8, 2015

Rating: NR?

Director: Rafa Martinez

Alicia works for the Spanish government as some type of housing inspector. She's tasked with visiting with an old and deciding if the building he lives in is safe or should be condemned. While checking out the building, she finds an almost hidden apartment. The man tells her that a couple started constructing the apartment and got shut down for doing it illegally. Though the building is safe to live in, she warns him that the owner wants him out and that it might be best to just move.

Finding that hidden apartment turns out to be a stroke of luck. She and her boyfriend Simon want to celebrate their anniversary but agreed to not spend a lot of money. After meeting with him later that night, she takes him to the hidden apartment and tells him that it's their chance to get away and have a romantic time together without worrying about money. Their chance at romance quickly fades as a group of bloodthirsty serial killers quickly descends on them in the middle of the night with the goal of killing them both.

Let's just get this out of the way right now, I didn't like Sweet Home. It started out fine, then started dragging, and by the time it got to the action, I didn't really care. I'm fine with films that start out slow and slowly build up to the action, but this one felt like it just took too long to get going. At one point, I checked the time and it was already 30 minutes into the movie and nothing had really happened. It's also a fairly ridiculous idea for a movie. I don't know about you readers out there, but if my significant other took me to an almost abandoned building for a romantic rendezvous, I think I would just leave. It's also hard to believe that this place could have running water or even electricity.

Despite the first half going so slow, the second half really amped up the action. Once we finally learned about the people in the building and found out that they were following the couple, the story got a lot more interesting. One of the more disturbing scenes came when one character – I won't name any names – dies after being thrown over the side of a staircase and falling several stories. Though you will need to suspend your disbelief when that character manages to stay along for like an hour after that just to pass something along to another character. As gruesome as the original scene was, I had to roll my eyes at that point.

While Sweet Home is a foreign flick, it's Spanish, it only has a few subtitles. Alicia talks to a few people in Spanish, but most of the film uses English. If you're like me and tend to do other things while watching flicks, you'll find that helpful.

Despite having an interesting story surrounding killers stalking a couple trapped in a building, Sweet Home isn't one I would recommend.

They're Watching Movie Review – Bloody and Just Plain Fun

Runtime: 95 minutes

Release Date: March 25, 2016

Rating: NR?

Director: Jay Lender & Micah Write

They're Watching may seriously be my favorite horror movie of the year. I started watching it while playing a game on my phone and quickly realized that there was absolutely no way I could ignore it. It hooked me from the beginning and had me laughing my ass off for much of the film.

We meet Becky and her boyfriend, a professional soccer player, as they search for a place in Moldovia, on the popular house hunting show Home Hunters International. After finding a rundown place in the middle of nowhere, she decides to buy the house and turn it into her dream home. Months later, Greg and Alex, two of the original crew who shot the episode, return with Sarah, a new employee, to see if Becky really transformed the house. They meet up with their producer, Kate, and Vladimir, the only real estate agent in town, to check on her progress.

Alex thinks the whole thing is pretty ridiculous and can't imagine that she did anything. All he really cares about is finding some random chocolate bar, and Greg only cares about potentially hooking up with Sarah. They quickly learn about the legend of a witch who once lived in Becky's house and how people in this tiny little town are still scared of the witch. While shooting b-roll footage around town, they mistakenly wander into a funeral and shoot footage before getting run off. When Sarah shouts their word for witch in the middle of the town's restaurant, people are less than thrilled. All of this is just backstory that leads up to the whole crew getting trapped in Becky's house as bloodthirsty locals wait outside. Are they after the crew for what they did in town, or if there something more sinister happening behind the scenes?

They're Watching really is one of those films that hooks up in from the very beginning. What other movie can you name that literally starts out with a girl getting an ax through the head and then reintroduces her minutes later as a main character? While you know she's going to get it in the end, half the fun is watching the story unfold and waiting to see what happens to her and everyone else.

My favorite was Kris Lemche as Alex. You might remember him as the goth/emo kid from Final Destination 3, which I reviewed not that long ago. While he's still got the whole sarcastic jack ass thing going on, he's easily the standout of the film. One of the best moments comes when the crew is stuck in Becky's house and trying to sleep in shifts. He's stuck listening to Greg and Sarah flirt in another room and finally yells out at them if they're done before mumbling to himself about how he needs to get some sleep. It's hard to explain, but the scene actually made me snort.

And let's not forget the Home Hunters International, which even used a song and cut scenes similar to the real show. You could almost believe that this is a show that would air on HGTV up until the second half. Given that I just watched all episodes on Netflix, it was hysterical.

The last 10 minutes of They're Watching were some of the bloodiest 10 minutes I've seen on screen in a long time. Once the witch makes her appearance, the bloodshed starts and doesn't let up. In addition to a woman getting an ex to the head, we get a man turned into frogs, a guy vaporized into nothing, a guy literally ripped in half, and a guy's face get ripped in half. It was far gorier than anything I've seen in recent times. Between the humor and the gore, I just couldn't get enough. They're Watching is one I would recommend to any horror fan.

The Pack Movie Review – Wild Dogs are Bad

Runtime: 90 minutes

Release Date: February 5, 2016

Rating: NR

Director: Nick Robertson

The Pack opens up with a scene of a man in the rural outback checking out noises in his barn. When his wife finds that he left a cigarette behind before disappearing, she goes to check on him. A wild dog jumps out of the barn and attacks her.

We then meet the Wilson family. Adam is a farmer in the outback while his wife, Carla, works as a veterinarian. They also have a young son named Henry and a teenage daughter named Sophie. Sophie hates living in the middle of nowhere, especially since her parents will no longer let her make expensive long distance calls to her friends. Adam discovers that something killed several sheep the night before.

This is important because the family has some serious money problems. A manager from the bank comes by to tell them that there are once again behind on their payments and that the bank plans to foreclose. Though Carla swears that they will soon have more money coming in, he just laughs and points out that it won't be enough to save them. On the way back to town, he stops long enough to pee and gets attacked by a wild dog.

When the power goes out that night, Adam heads outside to start the generator. He sees a wild dog in the woods and runs back to the house, but the dogs throws itself repeatedly at the door in an attempt to break it down. Carla rushes in and manages to call the police, though she can't get out much before she accidentally rips the phone cord out of the wall. When the police arrive and also get attacked by the dogs, they realize that they either need to find a way to escape or find a way to survive the night before more help can come.

The Pack is one of those films that you come across and assume will be terrible but then it surprises you. I thought it would play like that terrible USA film they always played in the 90s about killer dogs, but it was actually pretty damn good. Sophie is the only unlikable character, but that's only because she plays a realistic teenager. She hates living in the middle of nowhere, misses her friends, and willingly wishes that the bank would foreclose so they can move.

Adam is something of a superman. Not only does he manage to get outside and get to his truck to help his family escape, but he manages to survive despite being bit and attacked multiple times by dogs. The character of Carla is pretty realistic too because she puts the well being of her kids above all else and is willing to do anything to protect them.

Reading the synopsis on Netflix might make you think that The Pack is just a glorified television film, but it's far better than that. The Pack is a tight little thriller about one family's survival that might make you think twice the next time you hear something outside...

10 Cloverfield Lane Movie Review – Better Than the First, but That's Not Saying Much

Runtime: 104 minutes

Release Date: March 11, 2016

Rating: PG-13

Director: Dan Trachtenberg

I am not a fan of Cloverfield. At all. In fact, I'm still angry at so many people for recommending that flick to me and that I actually spent money to buy a copy before seeing it. Watching the trailers for 10 Cloverfield Lane made me think that it would be a lot better. While it was better than the original, that's not saying much.

Michelle is driving through Louisiana after a fight with her fiance when she hears radio reports of blockades going up in major areas. Before she can give it much thought, someone forces her car off the road. She's knocked unconscious in the crash. When she wakes up, she finds herself chained inside a concrete room that looks more like a cell than a room. She eventually gains enough freedom to find that she's in an underground bunker with two other men.

Howard is the man who created the bunker and the man who saved her from the wreck. Emmett saw what was happening outside and ran to Howard for help because he always heard that he was prepared for the apocalypse. Howard refuses to tell her exactly what happened but explains that it was bad and that she couldn't survive outside. He also warns her not to escape. Though she agrees, she later finds his keys and manages to get all the way to the last door. She then sees a woman begging for help, but she then goes crazy and reveals the lesions all over her skin, which makes Michelle realize that Howard was right all along.

Though the three live together for a number of days, Michelle eventually begins thinking that Howard abducted and killed a young girl. Emmett agrees with her, and the two work together to create a suit that will help them survive outside. Once Howard uncovers their deception though and makes steps to stop them, the film amps up the action and leads to us discovering what actually happened outside.

The best thing about 10 Cloverfield Lane was John Goodman. As someone who still watches Roseanne on a regular basis, I can see why people thought he might get a Golden Globe or even Oscar nod for this film. He's the perfect amount of creepy and loving at the same time, which will leave you wondering if he's a good guy or a bad guy. As the movie progresses, he does a good job of transitioning from one side to the other.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who I usually love, wasn't her best in this one. Michelle is a pretty terribly written character, and I had a hard time rooting for her or even wanting her to escape. She comes across as this really petty girl who isn't happy with anything, which made it hard to believe her transition in the end.

Many of the reviews I read kept the ending a secret, which I appreciated, but I actually felt like the ending wasn't needed. It felt like two completely different scripts. There was one script about three people trapped in a cellar and a second flick that takes place during the last 10 minutes or so. I much prefer the first script to the second. That ending was just bad. So bad that I actually laughed out loud during the very last scene. 10 Cloverfield Lane would have been better as a film about the cellar itself.

Sacrifice Movie Review – Like a Lifetime Flick

Runtime: 91 minutes

Release Date: April 29, 2016

Rating: NR?

Director: Peter A. Dowling

Tora is an obstetrician, which makes it sad that she cannot have a child of her own. Though she and her husband, Duncan, tried multiple times in the past, it always ended in a miscarriage. In the hopes of escaping their old life, they move to a remote island off the coast of Scotland to start over again. Duncan hopes that a change of scenery will make her finally give up on her dreams of having a child.

While walking around the island and checking out the land near their home, Tora literally stumbles across a dead body. The woman, who gave birth not long before her death, has a massive wound in her chest and runes carved all over her skin. She learns that the woman's DNA matches that of a local woman who died of cancer and was cremated, which doesn't make sense. The locals urge her to drop it and just walk away, but Tora wants to learn more.

After doing some research, she discovers that there was a cult that once existed on the island. Members sacrificed the mothers who gave birth to enhance their ranks. When she attempts to talk with others about what she uncovered, they tell her that it's just an urban legend. Tora eventually discovers that there is more to the legend and that people she knows and cares about may have a connection to the mystery.

The trailer for Sacrifice made it look like a fantastic thriller. The first time I saw it, I even restarted it and made my boyfriend watch it because it looked so good. That trailer made it seem like this was a film about a woman who uncovers some deep mystery and keeps finding dead bodies all over an island until she learns the truth. It almost looked like a modern version of Jessica Fletcher on vacation or something. The actual film paled in comparison to the trailer.

Radha Mitchell (Silent Hill) does what she can with the role as Tora, but she doesn't have a whole lot to work with. We don't learn what motivates her, why she would agree to move to the middle of nowhere, or why the hell she continues to work with pregnant woman despite saying multiple times that she feels devastated by the fact that she can't have a child of her own. It also takes way too long before they even discuss the topic of adoption.

By the time she discovers what connection her husband has to the mystery of the island, you expect her to feel angry and infuriated, but she really doesn't react much. While she's clearly angry and upset, she comes across as cool and uncaring. I'm not sure if that's the way the character was written or just her acting. Most of the other actors demonstrated the same traits.

The problem with Sacrifice is that it plays like a Lifetime movie. Most of the actors just sleepwalk through the film, and it doesn't have the twists that you might expect. The story is way too linear and puts things together in a way that lets you work out the story well before the end. If I wanted to watch a Lifetime film, I'd watch a Lifetime film and not Sacrifice.